Having a good matrimonial life is a collective responsibility of both the husbands and the wives. That is to say, each of the spouses has to observe certain responsibilities in order to have happy and successful matrimonial relationship. We shall therefore highlight some of the golden guidelines to attain a good matrimonial life.
1. Good Morality
It is necessary for the spouses to consider few ethics which are repeatedly stressed in the Holy Qur’an for the sake of themselves as well as their children. One of such ethics necessary for a good matrimonial relationship is a good moral. This will not only ease our progress on the way towards God, but it will also strengthen our marriage; increase our mutual love; and serve as a lesson for others, especially our children.
Mutual adherence to morals will create an atmosphere of love and affection; peace and security; and health and purity and will make all aspects of our life delightful. In several verses, the Holy Quran has praised the noble Prophet for being good-tempered and adhering to this attribute.
The Qur’an says:
“It is by Allah’s mercy that you are gentle to them; had you been harsh and hardhearted, they would have surely scattered from around you. ” (1)
And,
and indeed you possess a great character (2)
The Prophet (PBUHH) on the other hands, said:
Islam means being good-tempered (3)
In his advice to the Commander of the Faithful, Ali son of Abu Talib (a.s), he (PBUHH) said:
Shall I inform you of your closest trait to me? He answered in affirmative (4). The Prophet (Pbuh) said: The one with the best temper, the one who is the most persevering, the one who helps his relatives the most, and the one who is most fair to others regarding himself (5)
Imam Hasan Mujtaba (a.s) also said:
The best goodness is a good temper (6)
Nobility and a good temper are so valuable that the noble Prophet of Islam (PBUHH) has declared it to be the reason for his appointment to the Prophethood (7) (8).
Being good-tempered and having good morals are rays of God’s attributes, the attribute of the noble Prophets of God and the Immaculate Imams and it is a source of goodness and blessings to the one with these attributes. A bad temper and foul behavior on the other hands, are satanic and are the causes of disruption of life, insecurity, separation, and hatred of people; and will ruin the life, here and in the Hereafter.
2. Love
God has established love in our hearts as husbands or wives and recognizes this to be one of the signs of His Existence. This fact is a manifestation of the importance and extent of love and especially the love and affection of husband towards his wife.
The Qur’an says:
This love and affection blossoms early in marriage and even before the religious wedding ceremony, and it grows until it reaches its final extent. It is the responsibility of both partners in marriage to maintain this given blessing and this excellent spiritual state of love, which is the main cause of happiness and pleasure in life. This can be achieved by mutual support, being good-tempered, forgiving, cooperation, reasonable expectations, mutual respect, avoiding arguments, and fights. The couple should avoid what might harm their loving relationship.
In addition, they should know that any attempt to maintain a loving relationship is considered to be worship and any act that might hurt the foundation of love is undoubtedly a sin and deserves God’s punishment, and also causes grief and hurt in this life.
Regarding those who have the power to attract others affection, Imam Sadiq (a.s) said:
May God bless those who can attract people’s affection (10)
If there is no intellectual or religious legitimate reasons, converting love and affection into hatred, grudges and animosity is considered to be ungrateful to God’s blessings. On the other hand, maintaining a loving relationship and extending love to others is a cause of happiness in this world and the Hereafter. Imam Sadiq (a.s) said:
Woe to those who are ungrateful for God’s blessings, and blessed and prosperous be those who love each other for God (11)
Man is enjoined to be affectionate to all the people who deserve his kindness, love and affection. Thus, our spouses and children who are even much closer to us require our love and affection. It has been written in a Hadith Qudsi (Allah says):
The creatures are my dependents. And the dearest one to me is the one who is kindest to my creatures, and one who exerts the most effort to satisfy their needs (12)
Based on what was said, the love of a man for a woman and the love of a woman for a man is one of the signs of God which is placed in the heart. It is one of the special signs of God’s existence, and one of His Special Blessings. This love is the best reason for the establishment of a healthy mutual life, and its continuation. It is the cause of happiness and pleasure in life. That is why it is necessary to maintain and try to strengthen it and to avoid actions which might harm it.
The Prophet of Islam (PBUHH) said:
When a man’s expression of love to his wife will never be removed from her heart (13)
It must be noticed that love of one’s wife should not become too excessive, since this will also prevent a man from walking on the right path and doing good deeds. One should especially be careful that his wife does not try to rule over him through his love for her, and force her excess wants upon him. A man’s love and affection to his wife or anything else should be subject to his belief in God and the Day of Judgment, and it should not prevent him from progress towards perfection and doing good deeds.
However, if the love for women should become bedrock for sin and wastefulness, or jealousy and greed, or abstaining from doing obligatory religious acts, then this kind of love -accompanied by a satanic state- is far away from God’s pleasure and satisfaction.
3. Moderate Expectation
Each man and woman has his/her own physical and spiritual strength, which can only be realized after some time of natural, and moral encounters. A husband and wife get to know each other’s physical and spiritual status and get to understand one another after a while. They must realize that God has considered two very important facts when He ordained duties upon man.
Firstly, He has not required us to do what is beyond our capabilities. Secondly, He has made our moral and religious responsibilities based on our ability, not our power. Most researchers believe that our responsibility is much less than our capability.
This is only due to God’s kindness and mercy upon His servants. He has referred to this fact in verses 233 and 286 of Chapter 2, verse 152 of Chapter 6 and verse 42 of Chapter 7 and verse 62 of Chapter 23 in the Holy Quran that he will task a soul except based on its capacity. For this reason, both husbands and wives must consider this noble and kind characteristic of Allah’s in their expectations from one another.
Firstly, they should not ask for anything -material or spiritual- beyond the other person’s capability. This is because forcing such an unreasonable want upon the other party is considered oppressive, and it darkens the spirit and results in divine retribution.
Secondly, they should not consider the other side’s power in their expectations; rather, they should reduce their wants and expectations within their own limits.
Thirdly, They should serve each other by performing their own duties, and invite each other to do so pleasantly. They should and can reduce their expectations of each other, since this is one of the characteristics of the Prophet (PBUHH) and Imams (a.s).
Having excessive expectations is sometimes the same as asking the other one to do what is beyond his/her power. Undoubtedly, when this want is not fulfilled, there will be bad feeling and even hatred, and this will end up in the destruction of the foundation of mutual love. Excessive expectations are a result of having a bad character, pride and haughtiness. It is a sort of mental and psychological illness. Reduced expectations however result from politeness, nobility, knowledge, and humbleness.
Therefore, if you want your life to be sweeter than honey, and never run into any quarrels, then reduce your expectations in all aspects of life. Your spouse will then not become hurt or belittled by you. These bad feelings will also not carry over to others. God will then be pleased with you. Anyway, both the husband and the wife should be good-tempered and a source of love and happiness. They should take it easy on each other. This is one of the elements of what is known as “the good way”.
Those who follow this way are cleansed of moral and spiritual vice, are favored by God and deserve receiving beautiful rewards. The Prophet (PBUHH) said: The good way and those who follow it will first enter Heaven and sit beside me at the pond of Kawthar (14). Imam Sadiq (a.s) said:
There is a gate to Heaven called the Good, and no one but those who follow the good way shall enter through that gate, and those who follow the good way in this world, shall also follow that way in the Hereafter. (15)
The Holy Qur’an has declared a ten-fold reward for any good deed. The Qur’an says:
“Whoever brings virtue shall receive [a reward] ten times its like…”. (16)
Moderate expectations is a form of doing good and one of the good spiritual deeds, and forms of Islamic charity, which has a ten-fold reward. Why shouldn’t a couple take part in this profitable business? Why shouldn’t they benefit from this divine fact throughout their lifetime? Remember that forbidding oneself of the Mercy and Favor of God is a great sin and a tremendous oppression, which cannot be compensated for.
4. Forgiving
A couple may at times mistreat one another. The wife may make a mistake in her household duties, or pleasing her husband, or in raising the children. The husband too may make mistakes in running the affairs of the family, or in making a judgment about his wife.
Such mistakes are forgivable from either side and it is exactly in such situations when forgiving makes sense. Therefore, it is morally incumbent upon both husband and wife to forgive each other. In such circumstances, haughtiness, selfishness and disrespecting the other party, and disobedient to God and the Prophet’s orders is improper, and even in some cases it is forbidden and deserves divine punishment.
As the Qur’an states that forgiving is loved by God:
“Those who spend in ease and adversity, and suppress their anger, and excuse [the faults of] the people, and Allah loves the virtuous”(17)
It is so important that the Qur’an has declared the reward of those who forgive to be due from God. Imam Sadiq (a.s) said:
There are three noble acts in this world and the Hereafter: Forgiving one who has oppressed you. Going to visit one who has cut off his relations with you, and acting with patience with one who has treated you with ignorance. (18)
Based upon the verses of the Holy Quran and the traditions, it is obvious that forgiving is loved by God. The reward of one who forgives is considered to be one of the nobility of this world and the Hereafter, and is a means of freedom from the Fire of Hell, and is a means of being similar to the members of the Household of the Prophet (19). The act of not forgiving others is a sign of illness, a spiritual defect and a sign of our soul’s wickedness (20).
Why shouldn’t a couple forgive each other’s mistakes? Why shouldn’t they be loved by God and benefit from divine rewards? Why shouldn’t they be considered a source of nobility in this world and the Hereafter? Why shouldn’t they emulate the Immaculate Imams? All these are by-products of a spiritual and divine deal. It is not wise to lose this deal, while it is very easy to be gained. If a couple try this method for a few times, then they will soon become adorned with this divine characteristic after a short time of practicing forgiving.
NOTES:
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- Qur’an 3: 159
- Qur’an 68: 4
- Mizan al-Hikmat, vol. 3, pp.137-138
- Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 71, p.385
- Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 77, p.58
- Mizan al-Hikmat, vol. 3, pp. 137-138
- Mizan al-Hikmat, vol. 3, p. 149
- Ibid
- Qur’an 30: 21
- Mizan al-Hikmat, vol .2, p. 205
- Wasa’il Shiah, vol. 16, p. 171
- al-Kafi, vol. 2, p. 199
- Wasa’il Shiah, vol. 20, pp. 23-24
- Ibid, vol. 16, p. 303
- Ibid, vol. 16, pp. 304-305]
- Qur’an 8: 160
- Qur’an 3: 134
- Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 71, p. 400
- Mizan al-Hikmat, vol. 7, p. 268
- Ibid
