Human beings are social creatures, and their survival and flourishing depend on interaction and association with others. For this reason, the ability to establish communication skills, observe etiquette, and show mutual respect is of great importance.
How we behave in society and how we interact with others depends on how familiar we are with etiquette and how well we understand its principles. Knowing the true meaning of etiquette and learning its rules enables a person to live a professional and high-quality life.
The precious words of Imam Ali (AS) in Nahj al-Balagha constitute a rich treasury of moral and social teachings that clearly explain the correct frameworks of etiquette. With his wisdom and deep understanding of human nature, he presents practical solutions for observing proper etiquette in all aspects of life.
The Importance of Etiquette
Human beings, at every stage of their daily lives, inevitably interact with people and with the objects around them. Such relationships and social conduct require specific principles and rules. Friendship and Social Relations Should Be Mutual.
Imam Ali (AS), in this wise saying about social etiquette, states:
زُهْدُكَ فِي رَاغِب فِيكَ نُقْصَانُ حَظٍّ، وَ رَغْبَتُكَ فِي زَاهِد فِيكَ ذُلُّ نَفْس»[1]
Showing indifference toward someone who is interested in you leads to a reduction in your share of friendship, and showing interest in someone who is indifferent to you results in self-humiliation.
It is an undeniable reality that if someone expresses affection toward us and we respond with indifference, we not only deprive ourselves of their friendship, love, and possible help in times of difficulty, but such behavior is also inconsistent with proper etiquette.
A wise and intelligent person is one who warmly accepts the hands of worthy individuals extended toward him in friendship and increases his circle of friends day by day. This is because life’s problems are so numerous that a person cannot overcome them alone; however, having many friends enables one to receive help in solving difficulties. It is in this context that the proverb says: a thousand friends are few, but even one enemy is too many.
Conversely, when someone is indifferent to a person and yet that person shows interest in them, they demean and devalue themselves. There is a Persian proverb that says: “Give your life for the one who would at least fall ill for you”. Seeking out someone who shows no affection, does not extend a hand of friendship, and lacks emotional connection is a mistake and contrary to proper etiquette.
Regarding the principles of making friends and the importance of etiquette in life, Imam Ali (AS) says:
أَعْجَزُ النَّاسِ مَنْ عَجَزَ عَنِ اكْتِسَابِ الاْخْوَانِ وَ أَعْجَزُ مِنْهُ مَنْ ضَيعَ مَنْ ظَفِرَ بِهِ مِنْهُمْ[2]
The most incapable of people is the one who cannot acquire friends, and more incapable than him is the one who loses the friends he has gained.
Imam Sadiq (AS) states in a hadith:
مَنْ أَكْرَمَكَ فَأَكْرِمْهُ وَ مَنِ اسْتَخَفَّ بِكَ فَأَكْرِمْ نَفْسَكَ عَنْهُ[3]
Honor the one who honors you, and distance yourself from the one who belittles you.
In Islam, great emphasis is placed on having friends. At the beginning of Islam, Muslims not only considered one another as brothers, but each individual also formed bonds of brotherhood and fraternity with one or more people. This practice is one of the clearest manifestations of proper etiquette. Such a covenant holds great respect and carries specific rulings in Islamic jurisprudence.
These kinds of friendships can bring about salvation not only in this world but also in the Hereafter. If such friends are righteous believers, they may intercede on one’s behalf. The Messenger of God (peace be upon him) says in a hadith:
استَكْثِروا مِنَ الإخوانِ فَإنَّ لِكُلّ مؤمنٍ شَفاعةً يومَ القيامةِ[4]
Choose as many friends as you can, for every believer will have the right of intercession on the Day of Resurrection.
Good Conduct with People
To understand the importance of good social conduct with people, it suffices to consider the words of Imam Ali (AS):
خالطوا الناس مخالطة إن مِتّم معها بكوا عليكم، و إن عِشتم حنّوا اليكم[5]
Associate with people in such a way that if you die, they weep for you, and if you live, they long for you.
Through this statement, Imam Ali (AS) points to the idea that bonds of love and friendship should be strengthened through proper social interaction and service to others to such an extent that people regard you as one of their closest loved ones.
When you are gone, your absence should be deeply felt among them; they should remember you in their hearts, shed tears for the affection and kindness you showed them, and while you are alive, gather around you with eagerness and find joy in your companionship.
Emphasis on Choosing Companions in Social Etiquette
One of the fundamental pillars of social etiquette is the proper selection of friends and companions.
Imam Ali (AS) repeatedly emphasized this important principle and stated that before setting foot on a path, one should first inquire about the companion and fellow traveler, about whom one is traveling with:
سَلْ عَنِ الرَّفِيقِ قَبْلَ الطَّرِيق[6]
This is because a bad companion can divert a person from the right path. Choosing worthy friends has a significant impact on the formation of one’s character and behavior.
The importance of selecting companions in social etiquette is so great that one of the regrets people will have on the Day of Judgment is expressed in the verse:
یا وَيْلَتى لَيْتَنِي لَمْ أَتَّخِذْ فُلاناً خَلِيلًا[7]
Woe to me! I wish I had not taken so-and-so as a close friend.
It then continues:
«لَقَدْ أَضَلَّنِي عَنِ الذِّكْرِ بَعْدَ إِذْ جاءَنِي»[8]
Awareness and guidance had come to me, and prosperity had knocked at my door, but this faithless friend led me astray.
Exegetes have mentioned that the occasion of revelation of this verse concerns a man named Uqbah. It is said that Uqbah ibn Abi Muayt had invited the Prophet (A) to a meal, and the Prophet made his acceptance conditional upon testifying to the oneness of God.
In order to persuade the Prophet to eat, Uqbah pronounced the testimony of faith. However, because he associated with a man named Ubayy, when Ubayy learned of this incident, he reproached Uqbah.
Uqbah claimed that his testimony to God’s oneness and the Prophethood of Muhammad (A) had been merely outward, spoken out of necessity and only to please his guest. Ubayy then demanded that Uqbah spit in the face of the Prophet (AS), threatening to end their friendship and association otherwise.
When Uqbah later saw the Prophet (A) praying in the Sacred Mosque, he stepped on the Prophet’s back and spat in his face. Eventually, he was killed in the Battle of Badr.[9] This story clearly highlights the effect of a bad companion on a person’s destiny.
Had Uqbah paid attention to the principles of social etiquette, such a tragic end would not have awaited him. Reflection and foresight are among the essential elements of social etiquette and are signs of wisdom and sound judgment.
Prophet Noah (AS) is counted among the great Messengers of God (ulu al-azm), and God Almighty has mentioned him in the Quran with greatness and honor, describing him as one of the grateful servants. However, Noah’s son, due to his association and companionship with disbelievers and corrupt individuals in society, was counted among the unbelievers and wrongdoers.
Even the intercession of his father did not benefit him.[10] Likewise, Jafar al-Kadhdhab, the son of Imam Hadi (AS), became corrupt because of associating with bad friends. Neglecting the principles and etiquette of companionship in choosing associates led one to destruction and caused the other to be known as the Liar.
It is narrated from the Prophet (A):
«مَثَلُ الْجَلِيسِ الصَّالِحِ مَثَلُ الدَّارِيِّ إِنْ لَمْ تَجِدْ عِطْرَهُ عَلِقَكَ رِيحُهُ وَ مَثَلُ جَلِيسِ السَّوْءِ مَثَلُ صَاحِبِ الْكِيرِ إِنْ لَمْ يُحْرِقْكَ شِرَارُ نَارِهِ عَلِقَكَ مِنْ نَتْنِهِ.»[11]
The example of a good companion is like that of a perfume seller: even if you do not obtain his perfume, its pleasant fragrance will cling to you. And the example of a bad companion is like that of a blacksmith: even if the sparks of his fire do not burn you, its foul smell will cling to you.
Principles and Etiquette of Social Conduct
Imam Ali (AS) has expressed important points regarding the principles and etiquette of social conduct in this luminous statement of his:
- ایاک و مصادقة الْأَحْمَقَ فَإِنَّهُ يُرِيدُ أَنْ يَنْفَعَكَ فَيَضُرَّكَ.[12]
Do not associate with a fool, for he intends to benefit you but ends up harming you. This statement highlights the importance of careful friend selection as a necessary aspect of social etiquette. Associating with ignorant individuals brings nothing but harm. - و إِيَّاكَ وَ مصادقة الفاجر، فانه یبیعک بالتافة.[13]
Beware of associating with the sinful, for the worst things come from the worst companions. This text strongly emphasizes the necessity of observing proper etiquette when dealing with immoral individuals, reflecting the importance of preserving one’s spiritual well-being in social interactions. - و ایاک و مصادقة البخیل، فانه یقعد عنک احوج ما تکون الیه.[14]
Do not associate with a miser, for he will withhold from you precisely when you are most in need. This passage also stresses the need to observe social etiquette when dealing with stingy individuals. - و ایاک مصادقة الکذاب، فانه کَسَّراب، یقرب علیک البعید، و یبعد علیک القریب.[15]
Avoid friendship with a liar, for he is like a mirage: he makes what is distant seem near to you, and what is near seem distant.
According to Islamic teachings, one of the most important principles of social etiquette is that a person should not only avoid lying, but also distance themselves from liars. Even if the lies of liars do not affect you today, they will ultimately cause serious harm. Therefore, proper etiquette requires avoiding both lies and liars, for salvation and success lie in honesty, truthfulness, and living alongside the truthful.
A liar is a master of deception and arrogance. For this reason, God describes Satan as deception (ghurur)[16], because through various forms of trickery he creates illusions, making the immediate rewards of this world appear certain while portraying the definite reality of the Hereafter as distant and uncertain.
Thus, he presents to people like Umar ibn Sad and Khawli the promises of worldly wealth, such as land, gold, and silver, as immediate and guaranteed, while portraying God’s inviolable promise[17] regarding the Hereafter as deferred.
Therefore, belief in divine promises and adherence to the principles and etiquette of social conduct lead a person to avoid association and friendship with all four of these groups.
Confidentiality and Cheerfulness as Part of Social Etiquette
The manner of speaking and the ability to keep secrets are another important aspect of social etiquette, one that can either strengthen or damage human relationship.
Every person, inevitably, has secrets in their life that must be carefully protected. Some of these secrets are personal, while others relate to one’s family or the society in which one lives. A person who cannot safeguard their own secrets cannot be trusted to protect the secrets of others.
Confidentiality in personal and social life is a key element of social etiquette and has profound positive and negative effects on one’s life. Among the benefits of confidentiality are the preservation of privacy and the strengthening of social relationships. In contrast, revealing secrets can lead to the loss of trust, damage relationships, and cause psychological and emotional problems.
Therefore, disclosing people’s secrets is not proper behavior, and confidentiality is one of the most fundamental principles of social etiquette, one that God, the prophets, and the divine saints encourage people to uphold.
Imam Ridha (AS) says regarding this matter:
لاَ يَكُونُ الْمُؤْمِنُ مُؤْمِناً حَتَّى يَكُونَ فِيهِ ثَلاَثُ خِصَالٍ سُنَّةٌ مِنْ رَبِّهِ وَ سُنَّةٌ مِنْ نَبِيِّهِ وَ سُنَّةٌ مِنْ وَلِيِّهِ. فَالسُّنَةُ مِنْ رَبِّهِ كِتْمَانُ سِرِّهِ، أَمَّا السُّنَّةُ مِنْ نَبِيِّهِ (ص) فَمُدَارَاةُ النَّاسِ وَ أَمَّا السُّنَّةُ مِنْ وَلِيِّهِ فَالصَّبْرُ فِي الْبَأْسَاءِ وَ الضَّرَّاءِ.[18]
Imam Ridha (AS) considers one of the defining characteristics of a believer in social etiquette to be the preservation of one’s own secrets and those of others.
Imam Ali (AS) also states in this regard:
صدر العاقل صندوق سره، والبشاشةُ حبالةُ المودةِ[19]
The chest of a wise person is the container of their secrets, and cheerfulness is the means of winning affection and friendship.
Confidentiality and cheerfulness are two simple yet effective practices in social etiquette; they are tools for building friendships and clear indicators of a person’s character.
The great figures of religion, when dividing the hours of the day, assigned a special place to joy and recreation. Imam Rida (AS) says in this regard: “Strive to divide your day and night into four parts: One part for worship and supplication to God; one part for earning a livelihood; one part for associating with trustworthy brothers and those who make you aware of your faults and are sincere toward you inwardly; and one part for recreation and enjoyment. Through this part of life, you will be able to manage the other three parts well”. This, too, is among the aspects of social etiquette emphasized in Islam.[20]
Conclusion
Social etiquette in the words of Imam Ali (AS) is a comprehensive and profound concept that encompasses all aspects of social life. These etiquettes not only help improve individual and social relationships, but also contribute to the health and vitality of society.
According to the teachings of Imam Ali (AS), observing social etiquette is essential at all times and in all places. In the family, proper etiquette fosters intimacy, affection, and empathy among members and prevents the emergence of family problems.
In the workplace, it increases productivity, and in society at large, it brings about order and tranquility. Observing social etiquette also prevents the emergence of inappropriate and harmful behaviors.
Notes
[1] . Sharif al-Radi, Nahj al-Balagha, Wisdom 451.
[2] . Sharif al-Radi, Nahj al-Balagha, Wisdom 12.
[3] . Majlisi, Bihar al-Anwar, vol.71, p.167.
[4] . Muhammadi Rayshari, Mizan al-Hikmah, H 161.
[5] . Sharif al-Radi, Nahj al-Balagha, Wisdom 10.
[6] . Kulayni, al-Kafi, vol.8, p.24.
[7] . Al-Furqan:28.
[8] . Al-Furqan:29.
[9] . Baladhuri, Ansab al-Ashraf, vol.1, p.138; Tabatabai, Tafsir al-Mizan, vol.15, p.207; Fakhr al-Razi, al-Tafsir al-Kabir, vol.24, p.454.
[10] . Al-Hud:46.
[11] . Payandeh, Nahj al-Fasahah, p.714.
[12] . Sharif al-Radi, Nahj al-Balagha, Wisdom 38.
[13] . Sharif al-Radi, Nahj al-Balagha, Wisdom 38.
[14] . Sharif al-Radi, Nahj al-Balagha, Wisdom 38.
[15] . Sharif al-Radi, Nahj al-Balagha, Wisdom 38.
[16] . Al-Hadid:14.
[17] . Al-Rum:6.
[18] . Saduq, al-Khisal, vol.1, p.82.
[19] . Sharif al-Radi, Nahj al-Balagha, Wisdom 6.
[20] . Fiqh al-Ridha (AS), p.337.
References
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