In this part of the topic “When to get married”, we shall be looking at the perspectives of experts in this regard.
The view of an expert
Sometime ago, I went to see Ayatollah Ibrahim Amini (a pious, discernible scholar conversant with family problems for many years, who has close contacts with the problems of youth). I had a talk with him on his viewpoint of the marriage age, which he has discussed in his book “The Spouse Selection.” Before narrating the detail of the discussion, I hereby exactly cite what he has written in his book:
The nature and special creation of man has fixed the age of marriage and that is the puberty age. When a boy reaches puberty at the age of 16 and a girl at 10 years, they can marry. But it is better to delay the marriage up to 17 years and 14 or 15 years in boys and girls respectively. Because boys and girls do not have sufficient amount of mental and intellectual maturity at the beginning of puberty, and at this age might have difficulties accompanied with it. Furthermore, in the initial two or three years after puberty, sexual instinct is not completely awakened and does not pressurize the youth too much, and its endurance is not so much difficult. Therefore, it can be said that the most suitable marriage age for boys is 17 to 18 years and for girls 14 to 17 years. But it is not advisable to delay their marriage beyond the above mentioned ages, since it may cause negative physical, spiritual or social diseases and discrepancies. (1)
In addition, he writes:
The sexual instinct, having completely and absolutely awakened, is provoked and excited and exerts pressure upon the youth. And there is no alternative left except fulfilling the desire lawfully. The sexual urge is just like the urge and need for water and food. Can you tell a hungry of thirsty person to refrain from eating and drinking? Can another activity, even exercise and recreation or games, divert the attention of a hungry and thirsty one from food or water? The sexual urge too is like hunger and thirst, rather it is many times stronger and more powerful. And, if it is not soothed and achieved through lawful means, it may deviate and drag a young one towards going astray and sin, and controlling it is very difficult. And we must not remain indifferent and unmindful about the bad consequences of sexual deviation pertaining to this world and the Hereafter. Supposedly, even if the youth could, by virtue of his faith, shame and modesty control the powerful sexual lust and does not indulge in sin, yet what would be done with its negative physical and spiritual consequences? Therefore, there is no choice but to get married at a fixed age, and one must marry as soon as possible.” (1)
I asked him if he still held the same view and opinion about the time of marriage, even when many years had passed since the publication of his book, “Intekhabe Hamsar” (The Spouse Selection). He replied:
“Yes, this is the sole way of rectification and solution to the problem of the youth; that is, they marry at the natural time of marriage, and until such time as this difficulty is not removed, no other way of solving the youth problems will bear any fruit.”
I said: “Do you say that, even after taking the social facts and present difficulties on the way to marriage into consideration?” He replied thus:
“Yes, if all these expenditures and expenses which are incurred upon subsidiary matters, all these efforts which are concentrated upon the difficulties of the youth, all the expenses relating to missionary and cultural activities and the budget which is allocated to confronting a cultural attack – if all these sources are spent upon the marriage of the youth, and this way is opened up for them, only then will the cultural attack and aggression no longer have any negative and adverse effect. Let any amount of planning be made and materialized in regard of meeting and confronting the cultural attack; all that will remain ineffective whilst the problem of youth marriage at the natural age remains unsolved. The real and actual combat against cultural aggression is that the youth marry at the time of their sexual and mental puberty.”
Discussion with a friend in this connection
During the compilation of this book I had a discussion with a good, knowledgeable and informed friend, which I hereby present to you.
The friend said: “Do you not think the age you have described fit for marriage is an early one?”
I said: “Why early? Do the sexual instinct and natural demand for a spouse and the mental maturity not reach the required standard of completion at this age? Does a healthy person, provided he does not care for the artificial difficulties and obstacles on the way to marriage, not require a spouse?”
He said? “Why not, he does require it, but the sexual instinct and urge for a spouse alone should not be taken into view. Instead, we must also view the other problems which are present on the scene.”
I replied: “We have considered those problems and difficulties in chapter four.”
He said: “But one thing which in my view had not been taken into consideration in chapter 4 and which pertains to chapter 2 is that the youth, the age group you have discussed, do not have the readiness, preparedness and vigor or energy to manage life. How could you expect a 19-year-old boy and a 16 year old girl to run a family? Normally, they need the management and guardianship of their parents.”
I replied: “Allah who has created man is all-Wise and has placed everything in the right position. The same Allah who has placed sexual instinct and demand for a spouse in man’s nature and ordained him to marry and has so very much stressed on the haste and promptness in marriage has definitely placed the energy and capability of running his life in him also.
If there is a flaw or shortcoming, it is in our training. It is our wrong and inaccurate training which blocks and hinders the way of development and advancement of that maturity and the outflow of that energy and ability. The potential energy of running and organizing a life is present in us, and its activation too is at the time of puberty. But at times, we do not provide the ground for its progress, and instead, hinder the blooming and development of it by wrong and inappropriate training.
“When parents do not allow their children to have their works done independently by themselves and do not permit them any sort of responsibility during the shape-taking period of their personalities, or belittle and humiliate them and reprimand them with titles such as inefficient and incapable, it is quite clear that these young people cannot manage themselves in their youth; and cannot even do so in their middle and old ages!”
He said: “Anyway, what can be done now? Now that we observe that the young do not have the energy and readiness to manage their lives, is it correct that they marry and fail in managing their lives?”
I said: “The call of the sexual and spouse-demanding instinct must not remain unanswered. The problem can be solved by certain measures:
1- Teachers, scholars and thinkers of society should inform people about the training problems and teach them the exact way to train their children.
2- Parents must gradually acquaint their children with the responsibilities of life during their childhood and younger years. I have seen many young people, particularly girls, who can fulfill their duties towards life management in a nice way. Of course, I am against exerting pressure upon children and the youth, but at the same time, I oppose blandishing them. The middle way must be observed.
3- It is unnecessary for us to wait until a young person is completely ready to manage a life before we propose a marriage for him. Instead, when a youth feels that life’s burden has started exerting upon him, he has no choice but to shade himself up, gather up his personality with all its sleeping and potential energies and get prepared to take off on the flight of life. Many young people have been observed who did not have the readiness of a common life, but no sooner had they stepped into the realm of life management, than they became ready, capable, and organized man and women, who could manage a successful life.
4- The period of engagement is a good opportunity for this purpose. If this period is prolonged for a few months, the youth can prepare themselves.
5- The parents and elders of the boy and girl must help both of them, and must remain in touch with them in the beginning of their married lives, so that they learn the ways, methods and means of life until such time as they can get going on their own and settle down in their lives.
However, marriage should take place no sooner than the sexual and mental puberty is achieved, and the rest of the matters should be settled gradually. The subsidiary matters are subject to the principles. The principle lies in marriage, protecting one’s modesty and promotion and progress of man’s personality. The rest of the maters are all subsidiary ones and the principle must not be sacrificed for secondary things. But help can be extended so that the secondary thing reaches and is united to the principle…”
An important caution
Some nations and countries have played with the sexual instinct of the youth and been confronted with large-scale disorder, turmoil and corruption. After they had their fingers burnt, know that it was unwise to play with the lion’s tail.
And now they are gradually turning back from the way they had mistakenly followed. But it is sad that we are proceeding upon the same road that they are forsaking at present! Does it not sound wise that you must not go in the same direction that made them dash into rocks from which they are now returning from bleeding? Should we not take a lesson from their broken skulls?
Has Islam not guided us, saying: “Prosperous is the one who takes lesson from the experiences of others.” Why are we moving towards a falling spot, with a greed and eager desire, when we can distinctly and vividly see others fall from there?
Now let us pay attention to two of their important books. Dr. Khudakuf, one of the outstanding psychiatrists and psychologists of the ex -USSR writers: “It should be known that youth marriage recently are to be seen taking place all over the world. For instance, in our country (USSR) 50% of marriage take place among the youth who are no older than 22 years, and there are many husbands who are only 18 or 19 years old. In America, the average age of girls who marry has decreased to 20 years and fourteen million girls aged 17 also got engaged.” (2)
Drs. Hannah and Abraham Stone, two researchers, physicians and outstanding consultants for family problems in America, write in their book, which is written in a question-answer form between an engaged couple and their special consultant:
“Dr, should marriage be avoided when the man is not completely able to procure the family’s expenditure?” “No, absolutely not. In my opinion, marriage should not be put off until the economic strength of a man reaches its peak. Youth reach the stage of physiological puberty before such time that they can completely procure their finances and economic sufficiency. Hence, there is no need to look forward for economic sufficiency. But it is better that both the husband and the wife work to secure their family budget. They must not wait till the husband’s income is sufficient to meet the family’s requirements.”(3)
Of course, it must be kept in mind that as a delay in marriage is inadvisable, similarly, early, unripe and immature marriage, and marriage with persons not having capacity or preparedness and readiness is also reproachful and difficult.
Marriages are of three kinds: Immature, delayed, and timely; and only the last one is desirable.
NOTE:
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1. Intekhab-e Hamsar, p. 31/32 (The spouse selection).
2. “The bond of life” by Khudakuf, translated by Habibian, P. 13, seventh edition
3. Answers to sexual and marital problems, translated by Dr. Tarazullah Akhawan, P.14, 19th edition.
