One of the important problems in connection with marriage and choosing a spouse, which must be taken into consideration, is the time and age to get married. Thus, the question that usually comes to the minds of every youth is when to get married.
And, everybody has endeavored to answer this question according to his own taste and predisposition, understanding, knowledge, and mental ability. We must say that the answer to the question “when must we marry?” is hidden in the interior of man’s nature and instinct and does not need logic of knowledge, or philosophy.
We should look inside ourselves and give its answer from our nature, instincts and inclinations, which responds in a truthful manner, without different hurdles, ceremonies, habits, customs and prejudices. It is much like hunger and thirst, which are not controlled or governed by any law, which tells when to eat and drink. Instead, a man knows by virtue of his nature when he is hungry or thirsty and when he is not, and when is a suitable time to eat, and when is not.
Yes! Laws can be formulated for the pertinent matters, such as not eating rotten, prohibited and illegal food, and never drinking contaminated water. Instead, man should eat licit, lawful and healthy food and must not eat during fasting etc. But a law cannot be set for the actual and basic needs of hunger, thirst, eating and drinking.
The need for a spouse and raising a family is a natural and instinctive need, which Allah has, through His wisdom, placed in human beings. It is awakened at its particular time and season, and makes its demand. If it is responded to at its appropriate time when its requirement is fulfilled, it traverses its natural course and reaches the summit of maturity and completion and makes man reach that point.
However, if it is delayed or responded to in an incorrect and unnatural mode, it deviates from its natural course, revolts and rebels. Just as if the natural and instinctive needs of man such as hunger and thirst are not properly answered, they become deviated and drive man towards ailment, disease, the eating of stale and prohibited food, and occasionally, stealing and death.
Therefore, any law in this regards must focus on how to the balance this urge and provide aids and assistance in an attempt to remove the hurdles on the way.
But when must this need be fulfilled and when must a man and a woman get married? This cannot be regulated inside a particular law. It does not have any specific law and regulation; its law is genetic and the Creator has gifted it inside human nature.
Therefore, ‘should’ and ‘should-nots’ in this connection are not correct. But one can study and research to discover its approaching time, so as to be informed in advance and provide a suitable ground for welcoming it.
The Puberty age
After giving all sorts of explanations, young men still ask, “Nevertheless, when is the proper time and age of marry?” The answer is: The proper time and age of marrying is when the “sexual and mental maturity” has reached its desired completion in a person.
It is important to note that “reaching completion” does not mean the climax and apex of the possible completion, because reaching that stage particularly in the case of mental puberty, is much distanced and difficult; but here, it means reaching the ordinary and commonly known limit.
Meanwhile, for those who say that Islam has fixed the marriage age of 15 years for the boys and nine years for the girls, is incorrect. This is because, Islam has not given any such order. Islam is the religion of nature and does not give an order against human natural instinct.
But Islam commands one to marry when one reaches puberty and maturity. According to the interpretation of the Prophet (PBUHH), it is like a fruit whose ripening is its maturity and adult age. Yes! Islam’s divine legislation in this connection stressed the desirability of marriage. But whenever this need and urge stirs itself and desires revolt and rebel and make man probe and practice prohibited acts, then it becomes obligatory, and postponing and delaying it becomes prohibited.
So this divine legislation also reverts back to the law of genetics. That is to say, when puberty is reached, marriage becomes a desirable act and whenever it comes to the revolt and rebellion of emotions and the preludes of sin become obvious, then marriage becomes obligatory.
When a person attains maturity and puberty (we have explained puberty) his time for marriage has arrived and delaying it would not be advisable in any way, just as its early execution is also not commendable, for it’s like being an unripe fruit. When the interior call of a person, which rises from one’s nature and instinct comes, it is the time for marriage.
Everyone can clearly hear this call from his interior, provided of course, that this power has not been scarred or become ill by the effect of various factors. Because it is quite evident that if this power has been scarred or become diseased, then it cannot give a timely and proper call. Just like a patient who has lost his appetite and his health deteriorates from its normal course.
If this need and inner energy gives a call and says, “I have approached, I want a spouse,” the factors hidden inside the human conscience may come to face it and argue – I have no house, no money, no dowry, I do not have my degree yet, I do not have the means to pay for the celebration, society does not approve of marriage at this age, the customs, ceremonies and family discipline do not yet approve it, a person possessing money, a house, and a car has not yet proposed to me, I have yet to find a rich girl, a wife has her expenses and then there are children to follow who too, have a lot of expenditure and headache. What about the parties and invitations? How can I face the ceremonies and formalities? How can I get the money for the dowry, gold, dress and for purchasing other items?…” It is evident that the poor call will retreat!
Or if that youth has gone astray through masturbation, corruption and debauchery, and deviated from the course of his nature, then that interior call of instinct too has been trampled down and there is no more chance of it raising a correct call. An exhausted youth said: “For many years I have masturbated and now that I have married a girl, I do not have any desire for her and cannot get any enjoyment from her. I still masturbate and prefer it to intercourse with my wife.” This is known as an ill and diseased nature and instinct. It can no longer hear the voice of its natural call. As a matter of fact, no more of a call or voice has been left over and survived.
Brother and sister! Let us talk a bit about the facts, about the untouched life and nature and the uncontaminated instincts and those away from the civilities, ignorance – based customs and ceremonies of society. Let us for the time being, throw those (customs) aside so that we may talk in a free and unbounded atmosphere. Later on, we will talk about those limitations.
Oh young sister and brother! You are aware of the noise and turbulence that is going on inside you. You are aware that you need a spouse. You know that you are apprehensive and feel a gap, a void and solitude. You can very well perceive and hear your internal yearning, which calls you to find a spouse. You know quite well that you are not that child you used to be a few years ago and a change has developed inside you.
You fully understand that you have lost something (which you must find out) and whenever you think about it, there is a big inflammation that takes shape inside you and motivates you to probe and search for what you have lost.
Why do you deceive yourself? Why do you put a cover and a lid upon these sacred and natural wishes and desires? Why do you bring excuses? Why do you suppress your spirit of independence? Why do you choke up all of these passions and calls of love? Why do you allow these beautiful blooming buds to wither away? Are you scared? From what? From poverty? From ceremonies? From inflation? From responsibility of life? From having children? You are afraid you would not be able to cope with their expenses? You fear that you may not be able to continue your education? You are afraid you would not be able to manage and run your family expenses?
My dear! Do not be afraid and scared. Allah is with you. Have trust in Him. Do you not believe that Allah is all-Powerful, all-beneficent, and your helper? Would it not be a pity that you destroy your youth?
Marriage has a season and spring, and if this passes away, you would face a loss. The fruit that ripens and is not benefited from becomes spoiled and stale. Is it not a pity that a young one, who has Allah to support and help him, is afraid of such imaginary and absurd matters?
Be brave! Take steps and put your trust in Allah. Be contented and assured that Allah will help you and by His grace, you will succeed. Allah has promised in the holy Qur’an that he will solve the problems and difficulties, saying: “If they are poor, Allah will enrich them out of His grace, and Allah is all-bounteous, all-knowing.” (1)
Do you not believe in Allah’s promise and commitment? God forbid such be the case. Allah will definitely materialize His promise. Come on, enter the field with trust in Allah and get married! I promise you that if you minutely scrutinize and concentrate on choosing your spouse and observe and practice all the orders, commandments, standard criteria, which Islam has set for marriage, you will definitely be prosperous.
Oh brother and sister! Do not say: “Perhaps you are unaware what is going on in this society. Do you not know what number of difficulties has been created upon the way to marriage? Do you not know what amount of misfortunes and afflictions are brought into effect by some selfish and foolish parents for their children in connection with their marriage? And what amount of undue and illogical expectations they have from the sons and daughters?”
Yes, I am aware of all these facts more than you are aware, since, on account of our responsibilities, answerabilities and nature of work, we are more concerned and in touch with the society. Many young ones contact us about their problems. I am thoroughly conversant and aware of the difficulties of the youth, but with all my knowledge of these problems, I say: “Marry, do not be afraid, take the step.” We will discuss the difficulties shortly.
Marriage: A Medium of reaching Allah
We have already described that one of the important factors in making spiritual progress is having a well-bred and suitable spouse.
Young brother and sister, do you desire to start upon a spiritual journey and reach a place where Allah stamps your heart with His approval and pleasure, when you are still young and your heart is pure and the dust of abjectness and sin has not yet contaminated your soul?
By the grace of Allah, move on! But do not move alone, this is a risky and dangerous way. You need a companion, a helper, a sympathizer. Take the hand of another young one as your life partner and set off together, so that you may be the helper, sympathizer, associate and confidante to each other. You may make each other hopeful and encourage one another. Think of what the Prophet (PBUHH) said: “Whoever desires to meet Allah in a pure condition must marry (take a spouse).”(2)
So, now that you have the love, enthusiasm and joy of the youth, move and select your partner for the life journey. Now is the time to commence a journey. Do not allow this love, enthusiasm and joy change into sadness, apathy and frigidity.
The marriage that rest upon fresh love and felicity makes the coming years of life fragrant, pleasant and colorful. Take the hand of your young, vivacious life partner and fly over the heights of the sky like two loving pigeons. Make good of this duration. Do not let it go.
See what Imam Ali (PBUH) says about his wife Fatima (s.a) and how he recited verses of love, defining the duration of youth. “We were enjoying felicity, health and youth like two pigeons in a dwelling”.
These two spouses lived a pure prosperous life full of love, and met Allah in a pure condition full of love.
The Time of Sexual and Mental maturity
In spite of the fact that it has been explained that a person’s correct time of marriage can be visualized from his interior and that the time of marriage is when a person attains sexual and mental maturity.
Yet, this same question keeps on being discussed by the elders, parents, guardians, and those responsible for society, and even by the youth themselves: “After all, when is the proper time and age of marriage, and when do sexual and mental maturity reach their climax and zenith?”
The response is that lands, circumstances, societies, races, tribes, families, and individuals are not homogenous and harmonious in this field; instead they are different. For example, in hot areas, sexual maturity is attained earlier than in cold ones. And in open and mixed up societies, where men and women have more chance to meet and get in touch, and where the religious ordains and commandments and the matters pertaining to veil, Islamic Hijab and intimate and non-intimate relationships are not observed, sexual puberty is attained at an early stage.
On the contrary, in the peripheries and environments where people adhere and are committed to religion, modesty and commandments of religion, it is not so. In the families, which are uncultured and untrained and where sexual matters are not under security or privacy, children having become aware of the sexual matters of the fathers and mothers become sexually mature sooner, as in contrast to families where these things are secured and under restricted conditions.
Sometimes, even the children go astray by observing sexual matters between their parents. At the same time, the quality and quantity of food is also effective in this regard. Those who eat more energetic food attain puberty faster.
What can be said about the non-Islamic, immodest and sexually free, disorderly countries and societies? We may metaphorically say that even their primary school children are sexually aware. And the statistics and news make it evident that sexual assaults among children and the youth have become so customary and ordinary that it has blackened the face of humanity.
Nevertheless, it can be said that in our various, different countries and societies, the average sexual puberty of boys is 17 and among girls, it is 14 (not religious puberty). But this age is early for marriage, because, as well as sexual puberty, mental maturity is also necessary for marriage.
The age of 19 years for boys and 16 years for girls is more suitable for marriage. Of course, this is an average age, and it is possible that a boy or a girl has an early need for a spouse, so an early step may be taken.
We re-emphasize that the signs of this urge are hidden inside a person and everyone can judge it for himself. If the parents are intelligent and attentive, they can understand very well when their son or daughter needs a spouse.
Extracted from the book titled: “Youth and Spouse Selection” by Ali Akbar Mazaheri
To be continued!
NOTES:
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- Qur’an: 24: 32
- Bihar Al-Anwar, vol. 103, p 220.
