In this part of the article titled “Islamic Conditions for Marriage”, we shall focus on other relevant issues on the topic here.
Islam’s Original Plans for Marriage
And those who pray, “Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.”(1)
Marriage Negotiations
When a marriage is considered, it is customary among Muslims to conduct investigations about both families. Then they conduct negotiations to determine the conditions for the marriage and the wedding ceremony and to establish the amount of the nuptial gift.
Among the questions asked, the families should try to answer those questions that are appropriate and within the framework of the holy religion. They should also do the same regarding the questions they ask. In these negotiations, it is best to exercise the utmost honesty.
They should tell the true age of the couple, the real job of the man, his actual wealth, behaviour and morality; his true spirit; relationships; degree of education; and any defects or shortcomings. The defects may be negligible. The woman’s family too should be honest in responding to the questions asked by the man’s family.
They should not be afraid, to tell the truth, since this will prevent any future problems or a probable deadlock. It will prevent any future harm, bad feelings, separation, inter-family arguments or the ruining of the relationships between the two families. Honesty and truthfulness can protect both families against any harm, bad feelings, and sorrow.
It eases decision-making for both sides and causes prosperity. Concealing the defects of men and women, deception and trickery are immoral and religiously prohibited. They are considered to be great sins. The bad effects of this will not only harm the couple but will also damage both families.
Concealing defects of men and women, deception and trickery sometimes result in the breakup of a wedding, the cancellation of the nuptial gift, and the breaking up of the marriage without a divorce. This is the leeway Islam has granted to either side who may have been deceived by concealing defects.
The Glorious Quran has prohibited any deception, trickery or concealing of defects and considers those who deceive, to deserve divine punishment in this world and the Hereafter. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: One who deceives a Muslim does not belong to our nation. (2) The Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) said: Deceiving one who has trusted in you is equal to atheism. (3)
He has also said: One who deceives people will be harmed by his/her deception. (4) Regarding the characteristics of the pious, Imam Ali (PBUH) has said the following in Sermon 193 of Nahj ul-Balaghah: The pious ones do not get close to people by deception.
The Prophet (Pbuh) said: Deception, trickery and treason will result in the Hell Fire. He also said: One who is a Muslim does not engage in deception or trickery. I heard from Gabriel that deception and trickery will result in the Hell Fire.
The issues related to concealing defects of men and women; deception and trickery; continued marriage; separation or divorce; the duty of man to pay the nuptial gift or not having to pay it are extensively discussed in volume 100 of Bihar al-Anwar, Vafa Press, Beirut starting from page 361 and also in the practical treatise of great Shiite scholars.
The Necessity to Pay the Nuptial Gift
The two sides should agree on a reasonable amount after honest negotiations. The less strict you are about the amount of the nuptial gift, the more God will be pleased. The leaders of Islam have instructed us to be lenient about this issue to ease the marriage of our young daughters and sons.
The families should not imagine that an expensive nuptial gift arranged will prevent the disruption of the family and will help its continuation. There have been many married young women who have had expensive nuptial gifts but returned to their parent’s home after marriage.
They got seriously hurt and fell apart! You should rely on God’s Favor in these issues, and avoid what might cause pain, belittling or insulting either party in the future.
Once an amount has been agreed upon, and the bride and the groom have accepted it, then half of it is due to be paid immediately upon the establishment of the marriage contract, and the other half must be paid after the marriage is consummated.
If it is all paid at the time of the marriage contract, it is much better. The youth must realize that the payment of the nuptial gift is obligatory, and refusal to pay it is a great sin.
This necessity to pay the nuptial gift has been clarified in verses 236-237 and 241 of Chapter Baqara, verse 4 of Nisaa, verses 27-28 of Qisas, and verse 49 of Al-Ahzab.No one should impose the least harm or oppression upon women, in this respect or in any other form.
The Prophet (Pbuh) said: A man who oppressively does not pay a woman’s nuptial gift is considered an adulterer by God.
On the Day of Judgment God will tell him: “O my servant, I married my servant to you based on a certain contract. You did not honour that contract, and oppressed her.”
Then God will take away some of the man’s good deeds and will credit it to his wife’s record of deeds. If there are not enough good deeds to fulfil the woman’s rights, he shall be thrown in the Hell Fire due to not honouring his contract.
Contracts bring responsibility. (5) Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) said: There are three groups of thieves. Those who are envious of paying the alms tax; those who consider it rightful to devour the nuptial gift; and those who borrow money and do not intend to pay it back. (6)
Imam Reza (PBUH) has quoted his ancestors as having quoted from the Prophet (PBUH) as saying: God, the Almighty will forgive any sin except denying a woman’s nuptial gift, not paying the wages of an employee or selling a free man. (7)
Imam Sadiq (PBUH) said: The most wicked sins are murder, not paying the nuptial gift, and not paying the wages of an employee. (8)
Noble women have been instructed to forgo the nuptial gift if possible. This is a highly moral act and is a symbol of nobility and generosity. In a very important tradition from The Prophet (Pbuh) we read:
A woman who forgoes her nuptial gift after the wedding and before the consummation of the marriage will be credited for the reward of freeing one slave for every Dinar of the nuptial gift.
Then the Prophet (PBUH) was asked what if she forgoes her nuptial gift after the consummation of the marriage.
The Prophet (Pbuh) answered: Forgoing the nuptial gift after the consummation of the marriage is a result of love and companionship. (9)
The Wedding Trousseau
It is customary among Muslims that the father prepares the wedding trousseau for his dear daughter who is the apple of his eye. He does this through his nobility, kindness and love for his daughter.
In this regard, we should remind the groom and his respectable family not to forget contentment which is one of the attributes of the Imams, the Prophets and is a fact truly loved by God.
They should be content with and grateful for whatever the bride’s family sends with her. This is usually as much as they can afford.
They should not let this be the cause of insults, belittlement or attacks on the personality of the parties involved. The respectable father of the bride should consider his own social status and that of the groom’s family.
He should also not be wasteful, since God is the enemy of those who waste. The wedding trousseau need not be extensive or extremely expensive. It need not consist of extraordinary goods. The expenditures for the wedding trousseau should not be out of traditional and religious bounds. It should not cause a great debt behind.
For sure you should not try to keep up with the Joneses. Do not raise the expectations of the youth regarding the wedding trousseau, so they only go to propose to women with filthy rich fathers. This will cause a serious problem for the rest and is really inhumane; despised by God; and is a cause of torture in the Hereafter.
You should spend rightfully earned income to purchase the wedding trousseau so that the obligatory worship rituals of the couple on the clothes and rugs that are purchased are acceptable by God. Do not put yourself through too much trouble due to your children’s excessive expectations. Do not let this cause you eternal torture and punishment.
A Divine, Spiritual Model for the Wedding Trousseau
In his valuable book Bihar al-Anwar, Allameh Majlesi has narrated Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) as saying the following about Fatimah (PBUH): The Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) did not have much material wealth. All he had was a couple of dresses, a camel, a sword, and armour.
He earned his daily bread by working in other people’s gardens and farms. When he came to the Prophet (Pbuh) to propose to marry the Master of all women, the Prophet’s daughter Fatimah, the Prophet (PBUH) told him to get up and sell his armour.
He sold his armour and gave the money to the Prophet (PBUH). Neither did he say how much it was, nor did the Prophet (PBUH) ask. The Prophet (Pbuh) gave a fistful of the money to Bilal and asked him to buy perfume for his daughter.
He gave some of the money to Abu Bakr and asked him to buy her clothes and household appliances. He told Ummar and some of his companions to help with the shopping.
The following items were purchased:
1- Shirt: seven Durhams
2- Shawl: four Durhams
3- Black Khaybar veil
4- A rope-bound bed
5- A couple of mattresses with Egyptian linen cover and palm fibre and sheep wool filling
6- Four pillows with Tayef leather cover and filled with stuffing.
7- A woollen curtain
8- A straw mat
9- A hand grinder
10- A copper tub
11- A water-skin
12- A bowl
13- A small bucket
14- An ewer
15- A green jar
16- Several ceramic vases.
When they brought all this to the Prophet (PBUH) he took a look at them and said: May God bless them for the Household.
The author continues by writing: That simple trousseau belonged to a woman whose father had unprecedented popularity and power. His companions were ready to sacrifice their lives instead for gold and silver. But he neither forced the sorrow of going into debt upon his groom nor did he spend from the Muslim’s treasury which must be spent for the welfare of the general public, the orphans and the poor.
He did not spend a lot to show off or buy excessive luxuries. He did not raise the level of marriage expenditures to pressure others who might use this wedding as a model all throughout history. Thus, he saved millions of people from hardship, stress, and sorrow.
The most important point is that when he recognized that he was unable to provide for the trousseau for which he was morally responsible, he asked his noble groom to sell his armour. Using the money, he bought the trousseau and the living necessities and showed how much sincerity and love existed in their relationship.
He was not ashamed of this act. The noble groom, too, was so sincere and spiritual that did not think about or even say one word about it being the duty of the father of the bride to buy the trousseau.
The fruit of this marriage is eleven of the Immaculate Imams. This family has so far produced thousands of jurisprudents; scientists; wise men; mystics; God lovers; religious authorities; and believers. There has never been another such marriage with all its blessings in the whole history of mankind.
Praying at the Wedding Threshold
Imploring God, praying and supplication, and crying in His Presence are all desirable forms of worship at all times, especially before the wedding.
This kind of prayer is closer to being accepted by God, and it can establish a background for the fulfilment of many legitimate aspirations. The Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) said:
One who intends to get married should perform two units of prayer, recite the chapters Fatiha and Ya-Sin, and then praise God and say: O God, please grant me a deserving, kind, childbearing, grateful, content, zealous wife.
She would thank me when I am kind to her; she would forgive me if I hurt her by mistake; she would help me if I remember you; she will remind me if I forget; she would protect herself and my honour in my absence; she would be pleased when I enter; she would obey when I command; she would abide if I swear; she would make me happy if I get angry. O’ Owner of Grandeur and Nobility, please I ask You for I will not receive anything but what You destine for me.
The Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) then said: Whoever does this at the wedding threshold, shall get what he wanted by God’s Favor.
NOTE:
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1. Holy Quran: Furqan 25:74
2. Bihar al-Anwar, v.75, p.285
3. Mizan al-Hikmat, pp.166-167
4. Mizan al-Hikmat, pp.166-167
5. Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.349, Vafa Press, Beirut
6. Ibid
7. Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, pp.350-351
8. Ibid
9. Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.351
