In this section of the article titled “Islamic conditions for marriage”, we shall discuss how to choose a spouse and the conditions for choosing a spouse in Islam.
How to Choose a Spouse in Islam
The approach to choosing a spouse is much different in the angelic spirit of Islam when compared to those religions or schools of thought which have become void of the spirit of revelations.
Islam does not allow a believing Muslim man to choose any woman as his wife. Neither does it allow a believing Muslim woman to choose any man as her husband.
This is so because there are certain things to be considered in marriage, such as their well-being and prosperity in this world and the Hereafter; immunity from corruption and Satanic plans.
As viewed in Islam, marriage is not just based on lust, carnal desires, and material gains. The goal of Islam on marriage is to maintain people’s beliefs; build a divine home; raise good children, and seek God’s pleasure.
It is in this framework that all that is involved; the marriage itself; maintaining a spouse; loving a legitimate spouse; having sex as much as either side requires; respecting each other’s rights; bearing children; raising them; carrying out the necessary duties such as working to provide for the housing, food and clothing of the wife and the children are all considered to be a worship of God and each step taken in this regard will have a great heavenly reward. It is in this context that one can understand why Islam insists on finding a well-matched spouse.
We are forced to humbly accept Islam’s divine conditions for marriage since marriage without regard for these conditions will end up in a life full of sedition. The house will be filled with torture and suffering; pain and agony; sadness and sorrow.
Such a life might end up in separation and divorce with its ever-lasting bad feelings. It may even end up in insanity or suicide if one party is not strong enough.
Avoid associating or marrying a woman who has not attained intellectual development through studying; and has not helped herself reach perfection by attaining piety, faith and morality.
Such women are raised in a family void of monotheism, morality, piety, worship and belief in God’s unity. They bring nothing for their husbands but sedition, corruption and destruction. An important tradition from Imam Baqir (a.s) has been quoted as:
“The Prophet (s.a.w.a) passed by some women. He suddenly stopped and addressed them, and said: I have not seen any group of people lacking wisdom and religion like you, and stealing the wisdom of the wise. I have seen that your torture is greater than that of all the dwellers of Hell. I strongly recommend that you try to get closer to God, by perfecting your faith and acquiring knowledge, and good deeds.”(1)
Imam Sadiq (a.s) said:
“The strongest enemy of a believing man is his bad wife.” (2)
In another tradition it has been stated:
“There are six things which are essential causes of committing sins and rebelling against God: love of this world; love of power; excessive sleeping; love for women; love for eating and being lazy.” (3)
Thus it is best that you confine yourself to abide by the conditions stated by Islam in choosing a spouse. I shall express all these conditions based on traditions. Try not to choose a spouse based on her beauty, love or wealth.
The Prophet (s.a.w.a) said:
“Do not choose a wife for her wealth or beauty. Her wealth will cause her rebellion, and her beauty will cause her corruption. You must consider her faith and religiousness for marriage.” (4)
The Prophet (s.a.w.a) has been quoted as saying:
“If there is a bad omen in anything, that is a woman.” (5)
In fact, if a woman is deprived of knowledge, faith, morality, good temper, dignity and nobility, then she is bad and will ruin her husband’s life. The Prophet (Pbuh&hp) also said:
“A bad woman is the worst thing.” (6)
An Amazing Story
It has been written in the commentary by Abul-Futuh-i-Razi: There was a young fellow who would recite the call to prayer from the top of the special place in the mosque. One night, he looked at the houses surrounding the mosque when he was reciting the call to prayer.
This kind of looking has been prohibited by Islam to safeguard man from sedition and for his own sake. Suddenly he saw a good-looking young girl and fell in love with her.
After saying the call to prayer, he went and knocked at her door. The house owner opened the door. The young man told him that he had come and was ready to marry their daughter.
The man said that they were Assyrian Christians, and they would only wed their daughter to him if he accepted Christianity. The young fellow who had fallen madly in love with that beautiful girl did not choose the best match and let lust and beauty be the reasons for his marriage.
He accepted her father’s condition and abandoned Islam, but on the wedding day, he fell down the stairs and died.
Islamic and Humane Conditions in Choosing a Spouse
1- Respectable families should provide the means for the young man and woman to meet each other before marriage. It is not necessary to wed them to make them Mahram (lawful to see each other) for this purpose.
This has been allowed by Islam and is considered legitimate in Islamic jurisprudence. They must see each other, so that they can recognize each others’ good characteristics or apparent defects, and then decide.
This will also block the way for future claims. Of course, this visit should be with the intention of getting married and deciding whether or not to finalize the marriage. It should be void of sin.
Please notice the traditions in this regard: The Prophet (s.a.w.a) told Mughayrah, the son of Shua’ba who had married a woman: “Had you looked at her before you got married, there was more hope for you to get along with her.” (7)
Muhammad ibn Muslim said that he asked Imam Baqir (a.s): “Does a man who wants to get married have the right to look at the woman?” He answered: “Yes of course. He wants to purchase with the highest price, yet how can he not look?” (8)
Hassan Sary said: I asked Imam Sadiq (a.s): “Is it permissible for the man to take a good look at a woman before he marries her? Can he look at her face and the back of her head?” He answered: “Yes. It is not forbidden to look at the back of her head or look at her face.” (9)
A man told the sixth Imam: “Is it permissible for a man to look at a woman’s hair and her beauties when he wants to marry her?” He said: “If he wants to become aware of her characteristics it is all right.” (10)
In another tradition, the Imam was asked: “Is it permissible for the woman to stand up so that the man can see her?” He answered: “Yes, she can even wear clothing showing the form of her body at that time.” (11)
The Prophet (s.a.w.a) told a man from his companions who had proposed to marry a woman: “Look at her face and her hands.”
These traditions and the like imply that if someone chooses a woman to marry after he investigates her family, her faith and morality, it is fine to look at her to learn about her physical features such as her hair, her looks and beauty, her height, and her posture. This will block any future claims about her defects that might otherwise cause disappointment or argument.
This does not mean that men can go around to look inside every house and observe all the beauties of the Muslim girls to choose one if they please. (12)
2- When you choose a wife and decide to marry her, you must intend to marry to seek God’s pleasure, not her beauty, perfection, amorous playfulness, or coquettishness. You must act to please God and abide by His decree and follow the tradition of the divine Prophets, especially the noble Prophet of Islam (s.a.w.a) There are many important traditions regarding marriage in order to get nearer to God and attain His pleasure cited from the Prophet (s.a.w.a): One who marries for God’s sake and strives to provide the means for the marriage of others for God’s sake, deserves to be a Friend of God. (13)
Yes, people of such character and nobility deserve to be included among those mentioned in the following verse: God is the protector of those who have faith: from the depths of darkness, He will lead them forth into light. (14)
God likes men to have a wife and children. That is why He granted John to Zacharias and granted Ismael to Abraham when they were old. God Has stated in one of the verses of His Book to His Pure Prophet: We did send apostles before thee and appointed for them wives and children (15)
3- It is not right to rush into marriage. It has been stated in Islamic teachings that to rush into something is the work of Satan. One must be careful in choosing a spouse. He/she must spend enough time, consult with others, and get to know the other party and his/her family. This is all necessary so that any great loss; a spiritual, or psychological blow to either party can be avoided.
In this regard, Imam Sadiq (a.s) said: In fact, a woman is similar to a necklace. Be careful about the necklace you wear forever. (16)
4- The characteristics of a good woman who deserves to get married to a believing young Muslim man have been carefully stated in credible traditions cited in valuable Shiite books. The Prophet (s.a.w.a) said: When you intend to get married to a woman, investigate about her hair as well as her face since her hair is also a part of her beauty. (17)
5- Jabir ibn Abdullah Ansari has stated: We were sitting with the Prophet (s.a.w.a). Then we started to talk about women, and how some are superior to others. The Prophet (s.a.w.a) asked if he should talk to us in this regard, and we welcomed his proposal. He said: The best of your women is one who is kind; bears children; is chaste; is respected in her family and is humble to her husband; beatifies herself only for her husband and is respectful but indifferent to others; obeys her husband; submits to him in private but does not act like dirty old men. (18)
6- The Commander of the faithful (a.s) said: The best of your women have five traits. He was asked what they were. Then he answered: leniency; good-temperedness; easy to get along with; one who does not rest until her husband is pleased and calm once he gets angry; protects her husband’s honour in his absence. Such a woman is one of the agents of God and should not be disappointed in God’s Mercy. (19)
7- Imam Baqir (a.s) said: A man consulted with the Prophet (s.a.w.a) regarding marriage. The Prophet (s.a.w.a) said: “Get married, but with a religious woman. God will give you a good reward. A good woman is similar to a special crow which is hard to get.” The man asked what special crow? He responded: “One with one white leg.” (20)
8- Abraham Karkhy said that he told Imam Sadiq (a.s): “My wife who was my companion has died and now I am considering getting married again.” The Imam told him: “Be extremely careful with whom you marry and share all your secrets, wealth, religion and trust. If you have no choice but to marry, find a well-behaved and good-tempered young woman.” (21)
9- The Prophet (s.a.w.a) said: One of the beneficial things that God has destined for a Muslim man is a woman looking at whom pleases him, one who protects his honour in his absence; and one who obeys him in his presence. (22)
10- The Prophet (s.a.w.a) said: “The noblest woman in my nation is one with the most beauty and a nuptial gift of the least amount.” (23)
11- The Commander of the faithful (a.s) said: The Prophet (s.a.w.a) asked the people: Let me know what is best for women? Fatimah (a.s) responded: That she does not see men, and men do not see her, too. The Prophet (s.a.w.a) who was amazed at this response said: Fatimah is the chip off the old block! (24)
12- Imam Sadiq (a.s) said: The best of your women is one who is grateful if you give her property, and if for some reason you denied her of some property, she is pleased and satisfied.” (25)
13- The sixth Imam (a.s) said: The best of your women is one who smells good; cooks well; spends properly; abstains from spending at the right time. Such women are agents of God. For them, there is no disappointment. They shall not be sorry. (26)
14- The Prophet (s.a.w.a) said: The most blessed wife is one who imposes the least expenses upon her husband. (27)
15- The Commander of the faithful (a.s) said: The best characteristics of a woman in marriage are the worst of men’s characteristics: pride, fear and jealousy. If she has pride, she will not submit to anyone but her husband. If she is jealous, she protects their belongings, and if she has fear, then she gets afraid of any circumstances and tries to protect herself. Thus, she will not fall prey to others. (28)
16- The Prophet (s.a.w.a) said: Marry virgin girls. They have sweeter lips and tighter wombs. They learn faster, and their love for their husband and mutual life is more lasting. (29)
17- Imam Sadiq (a.s) said: The best of your women is one who is no longer shy when she is undressed in private quarters with her husband. And when she wears her clothes, she is shy. (30)
These are the characteristics of a good Muslim woman. Our dear young Muslim men should look for these nearly forty traits in women. Once they find one with a reasonable amount of positive traits, then they should choose her as their wife and the mother of their children. They should try not to be too strict in choosing a spouse since such an obsession will make it hard to marry.
To be continued!
NOTES:
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- Marriage in Islam, p.45 as cited in Wasa’il al-Shia. Abwab Muqadamat Nikah
- Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.240
- Wasa’il al-Shia. Abvab Muqadamat Nikah, Chapter 4; Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.225, Vafa Press
- Mustadrak al-Wasa’il, On Marriage, Ch.13
- Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.227
- Ibid
- Marriage in Islam, p.47
- Wasa’il al-Shia, Introductory chapters on marriage, Chapter 36
- Wasa’il al-Shiia, Introductory chapters on marriage, Chapter 36
- Wasa’il al-Shiia, Introductory chapters on marriage, Chapter 36
- Marriage in Islam, p.49
- Marriage in Islam, p.49
- Muhjat ul-Biyza, v.3, p.54
- Holy Quran: Baqara 2:257
- Holy Quran: Ra’d 13:38
- Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.233, Vafa Press
- Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.237
- Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.235
- Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.231
- Marriage in Islam, p.59
- Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.232
- Marriage in Islam, p.60
- Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.236
- Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.238
- Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.239
- Marriage in Islam, p.61
- Marriage in Islam, p.70
- Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.238
- Bihar al-Anwar, v.100, p.237
- Marriage in Islam, p.67
