In continuation of the discussion on the criteria for spouse selection in Islam, we shall discuss in this part another eight important criteria to be considered while selecting a spouse.
A LESSON-GIVING SPECIMEN FROM THE “MIRROR OF LESSON”
These days when I am busy teaching and writing this book, a TV program named ‘Falling Leaf’ is being broadcast from the serial ‘Mirror of Lesson’.
Although I do not wish to support the whole of this serial, there is an attractive point in it, which is appropriate to this part of our discussion. That is, Asana’s higher level of education compared to Ali’s. We see how Asana belittles her husband Ali who has less education than her. And what painful difficulties have come into existence in their life.
The higher education of Asana does not have any good or benefit for their joint life, rather, it is a means of harm. Had Ali married an equally educated girl and Asana married a boy of her own lever, most of their agonies and disputes would not have taken shape.
5- PHYSICAL COMPATIBILITY
Balance and proportionality of the physique and sex have great importance in the life of spouses. Sexual problems are one of the real and fundamental organs and pillars of marital life.
Mutual sexual saturation and satisfaction of the husband and the wife have a deep and profound effect on their lives, just as dissatisfaction and lack of saturation have destructive and dangerous effects on the total sum of marital life.
If they satisfy and please each other from this aspect, they would be thankful to each other and put their duties and responsibilities into practice and tolerate the odds of life.
But if they are displeased in this regard, they may hate each other and be disappointed and they may fail in the performance of their matrimonial responsibilities.
This is a major point, which is regrettable belittled and overlooked in most cases, or it is passed by shamefully and shyly, and consequently causes terrible shocks.
If one of the two spouses is sexually and physically strong, having a fervent and fiery passion and the other one is weak and frigid, most of the matters of their life become upset and unbalanced. There is also a strong probability of corruption and deviation. This lack of balance and proportionality incurs heavy damage and shocks their nerves and spirit.
If we wish to explain and illustrate it with more explicitness, it would prolong the book, whereas we have based it upon briefness. But it must be considered explicitly in its own place.
Truly, we must not describe such sexual problems in a naked shape, heedless to modesty, as is customary in some non-Islamic societies, but these must be discussed modesty.
Did the Prophet of Islam (s.a.w.a) and other leaders of Islam not describe these problems in a clear-cut and detailed way to teach the people? Can the youth and spouses be overlooked, not given information in the wake of this important matter and essential need”?
Just as we have a specialist for each and every organ of our body, with referral points and places for all the partial or total matters and problems of society, why should there not exist centres and specialists for such affairs of life, family and physical, sexual and spiritual difficulties of the youth and spouses?
Is the importance of this problem even less than a tooth for which we have all these specialists, dentists, and well-equipped laboratories?
We have seen a number of examples, which by studying their difficulties and profound and chronic differences in marital life, we reach one sensitive point and that is sexual displeasure and dissatisfaction!
Then it is observed that the real and actual cause of all the discomforts is this very point. But they feel shame in expressing it vividly and openly. And in some cases, they do not even know themselves what is harming them.
When we observe that married men and women commit sexual corruption, and develop illicit and illegal relations with strangers and in most cases (though not all), we discover that the reason for these was sexual dissatisfaction and non-fulfilment.
One of the main reasons for the deviation of Zuleikha and her inclination towards Yusuf (Joseph) (a.s), was the sexual inability of her husband.
There exist a large number of variant cases, which I have personally observed that I have avoided and overlooked due to various reservations. Anyhow, the physical sexual equivalence and equity of the boy and the girl must definitely be taken into consideration while selecting spouses.
One of the two should not be strongly built, hot and fervent and the other a weak, withered, and frigid one. Instead, they must be physically and sexually balanced counterparts, so that they are able to satisfy and saturate each other.
Moreover, it is necessary for the spouse to acquire the required information in these matters, to get information from those who are informed and seek help and advice if confronted with a difficulty.
ATTENTION
Nervous and psychological ailments are amongst the basic causes of sexual weaknesses. The trace of these ailments is definitely present in all the modes of sexual weakness and inability, such as hasty and immature discharge, imperfect sexual intercourse and the inability of satisfying the spouse.
These diseases must be treated by expert psychologists and psychiatrists. This topic is quite vast and has a broad spectrum and needs detailed discussion so at present we will not enter into it.
6- EQUALITY OF BEAUTY
Attention to the harmony in the beauty of the face and figure between the two spouses is also necessary. If one of the two is beautiful, handsome and proportionately figured and the other one is ugly and badly featured and figured, there is a probability of displeasure and difficulty for both.
Spiritual difficulty and a sense of sexual deprivation, frustration, deviation, immodesty, and depression for the beautiful one would exist.
Please take into what has been described about the sixth attribute (beauty) previously in this chapter.
7- EQUALITY IN AGE
A balance and equity of ages must also be considered in the selection of a spouse. The difference in the age of sexual puberty in males and females is a natural phenomenon.
Boys generally attain puberty four years after the girls. The equity and matching of the ages of the boys and the girl relate to the difference of age, not the uniformity of it since this difference has been placed in their creation.
Of course, observing a difference of four years in age is not obligatory, instead, it is better if it is there. This quality should be added to the total sum of attributes for consideration and contemplation.
It is possible that the age of the girl is not less than the boy (to this extent), but she may have other peculiarities and distinctions to compensate for the shortage.
8- ECONOMICAL EQUALITY
A common custom could be discussed here which is: It is not advisable for there to be a large gap and difference in the monetary positions and status of the two families of the boy and the girl.
We know ourselves pretty well that we become unbalanced and off track by laying our hands on an amount of wealth and material sources.
We start to be proud and boast of favour to others and humiliate and belittle them. Why must we deceive ourselves then?
Commonly, if a poor or an economically average boy marries a girl from a wealthy family, he must become their servant, whereas, if a poor girl marries a boy from a rich family, she must become their maid.
Of course, there are a few exceptions, which we shall talk about at the end of this chapter.
9- FAMILY EQUALITY
Just as has been formerly mentioned, in the discussion of ‘Family Nobility’, marriage with a person is equivalent to having a relationship with a family and a race.
So the families of the boy and the girl must have proportionality and be equivalent in religious, social, and moral aspects.
10- POLITICAL CONSISTENCY
For instance, those believing in and adherent to the Islamic Revolution and the system must not marry anti-revolutionary and anti-system families, although they may apparently be religious since they would definitely come across difficulties.
Either they have to quit and abandon their beliefs and become harmonious with them, or they must face, confront, and have a permanent debate and tussle with them, both of these being a waste and loss.
The Islamic revolution was born from Islam, and opposing the roots and origins of this, is opposing Islam. Of course, those who are committed to the origin of the revolution and the Islamic system and might sympathetically criticize some matters, we do not consider them to be the opponents of the revolution.
11- SOCIAL CONSISTENCY
The person who is learned, knowledgeable, associated and connected with research and wants to spend his life in the field of learning and research, whose family and social life have the same composition and are fabricated in the same way and who has a profound investigative spirit must never marry a person of a family whose social spirit is a pompous, aristocratic, and ceremonious one or to those who are used to a luxurious life, pompous invitations, bizarre night vigils full of passion, and excessive, extravagant journey and programs of enjoyment and entertainment.
We have seen many persons who made this mistake and were deluded and fell prey to misery and affliction.
Of course, it is necessary and essential to attend to the entertainment of life, and the same person who is engaged in study and research should not remain heedless to this aspect of life.
Ayatollah Jawadi Amoli used to say: “According to Islamic traditions, determination and extravagant invitations do not exist with each other.” It is not possible that a student and research scholar and investigator reaches a place and position through luxurious living.”
We know some friends who, mistakes and neglect, married girls who themselves, or their families, were people with luxurious and ceremonious modes of life.
Conventionally speaking, they were from the well-off strata and even if they were not from that group, their spirit, training, and social conduct were not concordant with knowledge, piety, and contentment.
As a result, their lives became entangled in affliction and painful displeasure, and in some cases, were shattered.
The saying “birds of a feather, flock together” may look to be quite an ordinary and indelicate expression, but it has great truth in it.
It is true that the superstitious stratum distinctions are void, but human societies have variant spirits, training and social or ethical behaviours, which cannot be denied.
A CONSIDERABLE SPECIMEN
Mr X is a learned and wise researcher and has a probing spirit. Having lived a joint marital life for a few years with Mrs Y and having a few children ultimately reached divorce.
That man describes the actual cause of their separation as such: My job is in a scientific and research role. I work, like any worker, nearly ten hours a day in connection with my research. My wife did not have any interest in my work and would always arrange entertainment programs and wish me to join them.
I used to tell her, “Just as a building labourer, carpenter, blacksmith and grocer go to their work early in the morning and come back home in the afternoon to offer their prayers, have lunch and take a rest before going back to their prayers, have lunch and take a rest before going back to their workplace to hand over the products of their work to society,
I too feel myself committed to putting in the same amount of effort, spending my working hours in the library, busy with the research assignment and yielding its production to society. I too spent the same account of time in entertainment programs as they do, not more.
My wife did not appreciate this logical stand, and pledge of mine and insisted on me joining all her scheduled programs.
But I did not submit to her will, since I considered my assignment more important than that, until such time as we could no longer live together.”
The marriage of those spouses who do not have social and mental harmony is harmful to both of them. You can see in the affair described, that both have faced loss and neither of the two can be recognized as the defaulter.
Because that researcher and a learned person cannot be denounced for not surrendering to his wife’s programs, and neither can that wife not be rebuked for not becoming a learned research scholar, withstanding that man’s life dedicated to research.
Even if they wished, they could not possibly have become homologous, since each one of the two possessed a specific and particular kind of spirit, training and objectives.
They considered prosperity and felicity and obligation in what they practised and could not appreciate the other one’s stand. But what is indisputable is that both of them had one fault and error, which is that they should not have married in the first place.
If each of them had married a homogeneous person, they would have been quite relaxed and comfortable. The man should have married a knowledge-loving, studious lady of research, and the woman should have married a man of worldly living, entertainment and material enjoyment.
Perhaps at the time of proposal and marriage, they were not conscious and aware of the essence of ideological and social harmony and coordination between a husband and a wife.
They married in a state of indifference and heedlessness. Ayatollah Ahmadi Mianeji used to say: “The religious scholars who were ascetic men, their wives were ascetics. But if their wives did not remain contented and pressurized them and demanded more, those scholars could not have been ascetics.”
The wife of Allama Tabatabai had a major effect on his progress and success. Allama had a simple and ascetic life and their house was a rented one; yet his wife, for all her worth and regard, was convinced about Allama’s course of knowledge and research and accompanied him with utmost forbearance, affection, and fortitude until the end of his life.
12- PSYCHOLOGICAL CONSISTENCY
In this section, we benefit from the letter written by a worthy brother who did not allow us to print his name: Spiritual and psychological harmony is one condition of equity.
I’m more elaborate and minute terms ‘personalities of various persons have been categorized into many groups. One of the most prominent of them is the categorization of internal and external.
Of course, this is a scientific discussion, which should be given shape by benefiting from the views of experts and specialists. What can be briefly said is that the two categories are relative phenomena and, as a matter of fact, it is a spectrum, which can be graded from I (Sheer internal inclination) to 100 (sheer external inclination).
On the other side, sheer interior inclination (isolation) and exterior inclination (selflessness) are undesired by the Islamic standard of values. So we must say: It cannot be said, for a desired Islamic life, that the internal person and external person should marry persons from their own category and group. Instead, a balance should be established.
But to constrain future confrontations and a lack of understanding, there should not be much of a distance. That is to say, the mutual distance should not be more than 20 or 30 degrees.
For instance, the one whose degree is 20 on one scale shall not have a comfortable life with someone who is located at 80 degrees on the same scale (a difference of 60 degrees).
