SEVENTH: KNOWLEDGE AND EDUCATION
Knowledge and education have a great effect on the prosperity and felicity of man. Being educated and gaining knowledge is obligatory on every Muslim man and woman. (1)
This specification is the focus of attention in spouse selection and a joint life and is considered to be a distinction for a decent and suitable spouse.
It also has a deep effect on attaining perfection and the progress of life, performing marital duties and the bringing up and training of children.
But this peculiarity (like beauty) is the condition of perfection, not its foundation and should be considered beside real and basic qualities and standards, not independently.
All that has been discussed about ‘beauty’ stands valid and is true this discussion as well.
Knowledge, short of commitment and faith is always harmful, as is beauty without faith and modesty.
That which is important in this topic is the proportions and equality of learning between two spouses, which will inshallah, be described in the next discussion, i.e.’equity.’
EIGHTH: BEING EACH OTHER’S MATCH
EQUITY AND PROPORTIONATENESS
It has been said in the beginning of this chapter that this part, (standards of spouse selection), is the most important chapter out of all the discussion.
And now we say that the vitally important part of the discussion is ‘equity and balance between the two spouses. This is the most sensitive matter to concentrate on while selection a spouse.
Equity between the couple means: a proportion, balance, co-ordination, concurrence and congeniality between the boy and the girl, and conventionally, the harmony of a man and woman to get along together.
Marriage is a form of combination between two human being and two families. Joint and common life is ‘a compound’ thing, the actual and basic elements of which are the man and the woman.
The more the harmony, co-ordination and congeniality of thought, spirit, morality and physique in this compound, the more its strength, enjoyment, fruits, positive consequences, stability and continuance.
The less the ration of its consistence, the more life would be unstable, bitter and fruitless.
The main cause of the miseries, turbulence and turmoil of family life is due to the lack of co-ordination and proportion between men and women.
Two people who join each other’s company and wish to prolong this company for the whole of their lives and share all matters, taking joint decisions, bringing children into existence, training them and making them reach prosperity must definitely be harmonious, concurrent, and contentious and have reciprocal equity.
Regrettably, in the wake of the spouse selection problem, conventional goodness is usually taken as sufficient , and less attention is paid to the equity and balance between the boy and the girl whereas this is the axis and pivot of the standard of spouse selection.
There are only a few people on our society who are completely incapable of marrying and having a spouse.
All boys and girls have the capability and capacity for marriage, but all that needs to be taken into consideration is which girl suits which boy.
These problems that we see all around us for e.g., that such and such a woman has difficulty with her husband and their life is disturbed and in a bad shape, or that such and such a man has conflict with his wife and is offended and annoyed with her and they pass an ‘unwanted’ and ‘undesirable’ life, are due to the fact that mutually proper and suitable spouses were not chosen.
If this had been done, these difficulties, odds, conflicts and family disturbances would not have existed of at least, been minimized.
“The persons who, before their marriage, Endeavour to study their spouses and find spouses who are suitable and proportional for them and are conventionally their counterparts, have solved a part of their post marriage difficulties and problems regarding children training.
Otherwise, they save and secure the difficulties which could be solved before the post marriage period.” (2)
ATTENTION
A hundred percent co-ordination and congeniality is not possible, since every individual has his own mind, spirit, morality and character, specific environment and family and has a certain distance and difference from the other one.
But an attempt should be made to lessen and reduce this distance to a minimum, so that the two spouses are as close to each other as possible.
A LESSON-GIVING EXAMPLE
Before arriving at the instances and cases of ‘equity’ and ‘compatibility’, I wish to describe a self-witnessed example, closely touched by me.
I was present at all its stages, so that the topic will become clear and conspicuous, and the ground for the later subjects is leveled.
Ismail and Safoora were both religious, good-natured and committed to Islamic values and the Islamic revolution, but their views about these issues were different.
Ismail had been brought up in a village environment along with its rural culture, rites,and ceremonial specifications and was committed to the peculiarities of his social cradle.
Safoora had been bred and brought up in a large city along with its peculiar, typical atmosphere of rites and rituals. Each of them looked at the world from the window of his and her personal perception and ideas.
No spiritual,moral, educational, physical, familial or cultural harmony existed between the two.
So much so that their points of view about Islam and the Revolution, to which both were committed were different and a vast (ideological) gap existed between them.
A mediator had introduced them for marriage. He did not have any negative intention and did it as a religious duty and for the pleasure of Allah.
But regrettably, he did not have any information about their spiritual, physical and social harmony and congeniality.
And so he was unsuccessful in his introduction and mediation and this did not result in a good life for those two.
Ismail and Safoora married. And right from the beginning of their joint life difference and conflicts and tussles started taking shape.
Ismail said there were things important to her (Safoora) that did not have any importance for him, and there were things important to him.
which did not mean anything to her. Safoora too held the same opinion.
Both of them were highly educated with good academic career, but they had a vast difference of opinion on various topics and version of knowledge.
Each one of them had their own particular ideas and styles regarding family linkages, bonds, relations and the visits of guests, which were quite distant from each other.
Their views and conduct about the problems pertaining to children’s education and training, too, were completely diverse and dissimilar and they could never practice in a common, uniform and co-ordinated style.
Neither of them would step down from the height of his opinion and approach, and conventionally, neither of the two gave in to the other’s yoke.
Many times their case was presented for the judgement of others, where they put forward their problems before family consultants, and yet they never reached any understanding and agreement.
Finally, one of their consultants and advisors who was very cautious and rarely advised the separation of a wife and a husband expressed that they should separate, saying, “His life is not sustainable, and there is no alternative except separation.”
Finally, Islmail and Safoora separated through divorce! And this event took shape at the expense of a victim and that was their child.
SALIENT POINTS OF INCOORDINATION OF ISMAIL AND SAFOORA
1- A cultural and ideological distance (difference of opinion about ideological, social, and educational problems).
2- A spiritual and psychological differences.
3-A difference of style and taste in various matters.
4- Sexual and physical dissimilarity (one of the two was sexually strong, having a hot and active temperament, while the other one was weak, and could not satisfy and saturate the other.
One of the real and important causes of their conflict was this problem. The one who was not satiated and saturated was shy and too modest to express this matter clearly, and relieved the pressure at another place and in fact, avenged it elsewhere.
5- A moral difference
6- A beauty problem. One of the two was unhappy with the other’s looks, figure and beauty, although the other side was satisfied.
This factor too had quite and effect and role in their differences and conflicts.
7- A difference with respect to the families of each other. (None like the family and relatives of the other and had difficulties having relations with them).
REFUTING A DOUBT
We, in any case, do not want to establish that a villager is not an equal and good match for a city inhabitant. And we do not mean to imply that a city dweller is superior or vice versa.
There are many citizens and villagers who marries and lead good lives. And many times two city dwellers or two villagers do not have any mutual harmony and co-ordination.
Rather, what we mean to say is that spiritual, ideological, and physical harmony is important and essential between two life partners.
Moreover, what must be viewed in selecting spouses is equality (balance of the personalities of the couple).
Piety and divine values are the standards and criteria of superiority, nobility,and graciousness. “Surely, the most honourable of you with Allah is your most pious one”.(1)
CONDITIONS OF COMPATABILITY
Now with the explanations given, the ground for the description f the case of equity and harmony between girl and boys have become ready; so will divide the topic of equity and explain a few of its details.
1-RELIGIOUS COMPATABILITY
A religious woman who is committed to the laws, principles, and derivatives of Islam must marry a man like herself.
Of course, a hundred percent proportionality is not possible, but the closer they are and the less of a distance, the better.
A man questioned the prophet of Islam (a.s): “Whom must we marry?” He replied: “Those suitable (good matches).”
He asked, “Who are suitable matches?” The Prophet (a.s) responded: “Some of the believers are the matches of each other.”
We see that the Prophet (a.s) described faith as the standards and real foundation of being a match.
Imam Sadiq (a.s) said about Fatima Zahra (a.s): “Had Allah not created Ali (a.s), there would have been no match and equivalent on the earth for Fatima (a.s), from the age of Adam (a.s) to the end”.
If a faithful person marries a faithless one and cannot convert the latter to become religious, either he has to become homogeneous with the spouse and become faithless and be in a permanent state of confrontation and conflict; both situations being a great loss.
The children too, who are the outcome and production of such a turbulent and disturbed life, do not reach prosperity and blessing.
QUESTION AND ANSWER
Q: Can it not be that a faithful and religious person marries and irreligious spouse and guides her? Has such a case not yet taken shape?
(a) If someone finds such energy in himself and is sure that he or she can make it, then there is no harm to materialize such a marriage.
Even though this is a desired and required practice and has a great reward, not everyone possesses all that vigour and energy. Attaining this confidence is also not and easy thing.
If such a case (exceptionally) takes shape, it is not a justification for others to follow it. And this exception cannot be generalized to cover all people.
(b) It is quite possible that the situation reverses and the irreligious one makes the other take up his or her color.
Some of the reasons described by Islam for not marrying an irreligious one are as follows: “Because the woman is influenced by her husband’s conduct, and he forces her to accept his belief.”
The man, too , accepts th effects of his wife’s belief and morality and his wife may make him perform irreligious activities.
How long can a man resist and combat the unfair and unlawful wants and desires of his wife? One cannot fight that all his life and vigorously combat against it.
We know of plenty of cases where the irreligious and careless wife made her religious spouse miserable.
(c) Of course, there exist some exceptions as well where a religious and faithful spouse has guided his or her irreligious life partner.
So far so good. But exceptions cannot overwhelm the majority, and rules and regulations cannot be founded upon them.
2- CULTURAL AND MENTAL COMPATIBILITY
Cultural and mental understanding and homogeneity has a basic role in the joint life of a couple.
The architects of this center should be ale to understand each other and their mysteries and intents, for the sake of bringing into effect a dynamic, fruitful and felicitous life.
Moreover, they should take joint and harmonious decisions in most problems and practice upon their bases, be mutual helpers in the ups and downs of life, and train their children on the basis of a harmoniously designed program.
Imam Jafar Sadiq (a.s) said: “An intelligent and wise someone must not be placed except beside a sage and wise man.” We have observed the harms and damage caused by the mental and cultural lack of co-ordination between the spouses.
Of course, a 100% understanding and concurrence is still not possible, yet one must endeavour to get as near to it as possible and diminish the distance.
3- MORAL COMPATABILITY
Moral homogeneity and harmony is of the most important cases of equity between a husband and wife.
It is possible that the wife an husband are equal and compatible from a religious aspect, but not from moral aspect.
ATTEND TO THIS SPECIMEN
Zaid Bin Haresa, the adopted son brought up by the Prophet (a.s), married Zainab, the cousin of the Prophet (a.s) The husband and wife held a lofty place from a religious point of view.
But he did not have and understanding from a moral aspect and so conventionally speaking, their moralities were not harmonious. They had severe difference and disputes.
The Prophet (a.s) admonished them and suggested to them many times to build up mutual understanding and compatibility. But this young couple did not have the endurance and energy to put up with each other.
Finally, Allah mediated and separated them through divorce.
There is no doubt that these two, husband and wife were decent and nice people. as far as the decency of Zaid is concerned, it is sufficient that the Prophet (a.s) adopted him and had a great love for him and sometimes called him by the name of ‘dear and beloved Zaid.’
With regard to the decency of Zainab, it is sufficient to say that Allah Himself had her married to His prophet (after being divorced by Zaid).
“And when you said to the one to whom Allah had shown favour and to whom you had shown a favour keep your wife to yourself and be careful to (your duty to) Allah … But when Zaid had given up her, we gave her to you as a wife.”(3)
We observed the moral disagreement of Ismail and Safoora too. As a result, we must not think that the religiousness of the husband and wife is sufficient for establishing a successful (marital) life; other aspects must also be taken into consideration.
4- EDUCATIONAL COMPATIBILITY
It is better that a husband and wife should not have much distance and difference from and educational and informational point of view, so that they have more understanding in their lives.
Of course, this quality must be considered along with other qualities and peculiarities.
That is, if, for instance the woman is proud and shallow, her educational qualification should not be higher than that of her husband, since this would certainly bring about ample difficulties in their lives.
But if she is humble, there is less chance and probability of this difficulty. As to the husband , this problem exists in the same shape with a little difference.
NOTES:
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- Prophet (a.s), Usool-e Kafi, vol. 1, the chapter on Excellence of knowledge, Hadith 1.
- 2. How to conduct the children, by Dr. Mohammad Reza Sharafi, p 50.
