Now we have reached the most sensitive and important point of our discussions! Whatever we have discussed so far was a prelude and prefix to this chapter.
That is to say, whom may we select as a spouse?
With what sort of qualities, peculiarities, standards and criterion, so that we may lead a prosperous life with each other, and be the cause of each other’s progress, completion, and comfort?
This is the real stimulant and aim of our discussion.
All our pursuits in these topics and discussions is that the youth (girls and boys) may select spouses in a way to be equal, well-matched and proportional to each other, and conventionally speaking they must go together well.
If this condition is procured and secured, and this co-ordination and balance is realized, then the other matters and difficulties are comfortably solvable.
If they do not slip at this stage crossing and traversing, then the other phases would be easy.
We can say boldly and daringly that most of the difficulties which appear in the family life” are due to the fact that the boy and the girl have made a mistake here and have not selected a spouse well-matched to themselves.
Many spouses have been seen to be pushed into a state of misery and destruction due to an imbalance and lack of homogeneity.
Most of the difficulties, controversies and conflicts in the selection of the wrong spouse.
SUBTILITY!
Brother, sister! As you intend to select someone to be beside you for the whole of your life, observe minutely whom you are going to select.
No selection, in human life, after the selection and choosing of belief and school of thought, can reach and match the spouse selection in its importance and sensitiveness.
This selection has a basic and fundamental role in your success and prosperity or misery and misfortune!!!
Do care, check, examine, and seek advice as much as you can. Be cautious and careful not to make a mistake.
Beware not to take a sentimental decision. Be careful not to be subjected and affected by digressive factors.
It would be very difficult for you to cope and deal with an unsuitable, unequal and heterogeneous, and inconsistent spouse.
Do not ever tell yourself: “For now, let us marry! If we cannot live together in the days to come, we can divorce and separate!”
Drive such an idea totally out of your mind. Divorce is a very difficult thing and sometimes even impossible, particularly when there are children.
Encourage and uphold the idea that I want to choose a spouse with whom I intent to spend a prosperous and happy life.”
You must burn your boats and accumulate and concentrate all your sense to choose a permanent and lifelong partner.
Exercise extreme care!!! As far as the recommendations about a quick and swift marriage, are concerned, which we discussed in the previous chapters, it does not mean haste, disregard and neglect.
Instead, speed must be with precision, accuracy, and carefulness.
And these two (speed and accuracy) are not contradictions to each other; instead, it hastes which is in contrast to precision.
SUBTILITY IN SELECTION, SMOOTHNESS IN MARRIAGE
When we consider the collection of laws of Islam with regard to marriage, we conclude that.
Islam has commanded to be easy, lenient, indulgent and simple most of the matters pertaining to marriage; such as dowry, wealth, ceremonies, rituals, and customs, but it has ordered carefulness in ‘spouse selection’.
For example: “Be lenient … do not exercise extreme care.” “The best marriage is the easiest one.”
“The best of wives are those whose dowry sum is small and their expenditure and upkeep is low.”
“But when it come to the discussion of ‘spouse selection’ and ‘its criteria and standards’, Islam says be very careful. “Avoid the greenery (herbs) growing over a sewer (cesspool).”
“Avoid marrying stupid and silly (insane) ones.” “See what you are putting around your neck.”
And tense of other caution and warnings. So be completely mindful and alert that these two kinds of ordains are not mixed up an taken erroneously.
Leniency and easy attitude have their own place; whereas minuteness, precision, carefulness, and strictness have their own. Everything is suitable in its ow place.”
CRITERIA OF SPOUSE SELECTION
We must have certain standards for the selection of a spouse. That is to say, girls and boys must have criteria and know what kind of spouse they wish to have and with what qualities and virtues.
This is the actual work. It is much like someone who wants to travel, so he must fix and specify his destination and then start the journey.
But if he only knows that he needs to travel but does not have any aim, objective or destination in his mind, he wanders around and gets lost.
There are two kinds of standards, qualities, and specifications that should be taken into consideration when selecting a spouse:
(a) Those which are the pillars and foundations and definitely required for a prosperous life.
(b) Those which are the conditions of attaining completion, and are necessary for the betterment and welfare of life and are mostly relevant and dependent upon the taste, style and the status of a person.
Now we consider these standards, criteria and qualities.
FIRST: RELIGIOUSNESS
FROM THE FUNDAMENTAL AND INEVITABLE FACTORS
He who does not have religion does not have anything Whatever he owns and possesses, he is considered and evaluated as ‘nothing’.
An irreligious man is actually a ‘moving dead body’.
The person who is not committed and bound to religion, which is the most real matter of life, there exists no security and guarantee that he would be committed to the rights of his spouse, and be bound to the norms of a shared life.
A religious and pious person cannot go along with an irreligious spouse and have a prosperous and blessed common life.
A pious person may possibly tolerate and bear other shortcomings of the spouse, but can never bear and accommodate the irreverence and recklessness of the spouse.
Yes, if both of them are without religion and heedless to the laws of religion, it is possible. But their lives would never be successful.
Prosperity is absolutely impossible to achieve without honesty. Absolutely impossible to achieve without honesty.
Absolutely impossible!! Yes, they might have accepted something as prosperity and consider themselves as prosperous, but this consideration is ‘sheer ignorance.’
That is to say, they are in fact unfortunate and miserable, but they think they are blessed and successful.
Anyhow, a religious and pious person wants a religious spouse. If one is religious and the other, irreligious and uncommitted, they will not become prosperous.
Of course, being religious means being so in the real sense of it. Meaning being absolutely committed to Islam, accepting it from the core of one’s heart, and practicing upon it, not the shallow, rootless and feigned religiousness.
A reflection of the Prophet’s (a.s) saying: A man came to the Prophet (a.s) to seek guidance in connection with the selection of a spouse.
He (a.s) said to him: “It is (binding) upon you to have a religious spouse.”(1)
On another occasion, he (a.s) ordered all people of all ages: “It is binding upon all of you to select a religious spouse.”
And again in another case he (a.s) said:
“A man who marries a woman for the sake of her wealth, Allah leaves him in his own condition, and the one who marries her (only) for her beauty, he will find in her (things) which he dislikes (displeasing matters) and the one who marries her for the sake of her faith (religiousness), Allah will gather up all these things for him.”(2)
There is an elegant an subtle point in the tradition; that is, if he marries her (only) for her beauty, he sees unpleasant things in her.
Perhaps these ‘unpleasant matters’ mean that the beauty of an irreligious wife would be the cause of a bad name, scandal and disgrace.
The same beauty that was the stimulant of marriage with her becomes the cause of nuisance and dishonor.
QUESTION AND OBSERVATION
At this stage, a question and objection comes forth; that is, if being religious is the real standard of success, then why do we see many religious ones who do not lead good lives and their lives are disturbed and unhappy?
ANSWER
Firstly, religiousness (devoutness) means real religiousness. That is, we take only such a person as religious whose entire practice, speeches, morality, and all the rest of his life’s matters are subject to Islam.
Such an individual would really be decent and gentle. Islam is the law of Allah for the prosperity of man an if followed and practiced, it does positively bring felicity and blessings.
Islam is not merely a set of a few obvious practices that anybody performing them may be a real religious one.
Secondly, it is possible that the fault be at another place, which means they may be really religious, but lacking some qualities and peculiarities being the condition for prosperity of the shared and common life.
For instance, they might not have ideological, moral and physical co-ordination, homogeneity and harmony.
Because, whilst being religious is the real standard, there are some other criteria, which must be observed when selecting spouse. (These will be described soon).
Thirdly, the difficulty and fault may be present at the other end. That is to say, you may know one of the two spouses as a religious person and not know the other one and be completely unaware about his or her spirits.
Perhaps he or she is not really religious and the root of the difficulty lies there. Fourthly, one of both of them may be suffering from a nervous or spiritual disease.
These diseases cause many difficulties in the joint life. Religious people too, having been affected by certain factors may suffer from ailments and nervous and spiritual complications.
Anyway, being religious and pious is the basic condition and quality of a suitable spouse and there must be a thorough inquiry and contemplation about it before marriage takes place.
THE FRUIT OF RELIGIOUSNESS
This quality and virtue has many other fruits. That is to say, religiousness is like a root or origin, which has many branches and fruits.
(a) Piety: A religious person is positively pious; and if he is not, then he is not religious one.
(b) Veil: The veil is from the fruits of the ‘tree of religiousness’. The Hijab (veil) is not only specified for women and girl, boys and men too must wear a (spiritual) veil.
To sum up, the veil of a woman and a man has some differences which exist due to women’s physique, being bodily more attractive, and the physical and sexual differences between the two sexes.
(c) Nobility
(d) Modesty:
“The one who does not have modesty lacks religion.” So the one who has modesty, does have religion as well.
WHAT SHOULD THE IRRELIGIOUS YOUTH DO?
All that has been described so far, regarding the standards and the first virtue (religiousness) was mostly related to the pious ones.
so what should the irreligious youth do?
ANSWER
Firstly: They must also become pious and practice like the pious ones. Religion and faith are the provision and stock of the world and prosperity in the hereafter.
So it is obligatory for every sane man to attain this provision. Any amount of research, study, investigation and consultation taking place on this road is worthwhile.
Just as the human intellect and mind deems it fit that man must search and Endeavour for the sake of earning a livelihood in this material life, so does it demand to seek the way of eternal bliss?
Secondly: The irreligious youth must also possess some of the qualities and merits of the religious ones.
The man who is not bound to faith and religion, must take into view some of the merits of the pious ones when selecting a spouse.
For instance, and irreligious spouse must too possess modesty, nobility, and sexual purity; otherwise their lives would become full of misery, distress and difficulties.
This is because even irreligious persons cannot tolerate immodesty, impurity, debauchery and libertinism (unless they may have negated humanity, in which case, they are out of the scope of our discussion).
The more a person is modest, noble, and clear, the more he is religious, although he himself may not be aware of disbelieve.
Modesty, nobility, purity and all the virtues and peculiarities, which are considered positive and beautiful are a part of religion.
In any case, nothing can be permit and allowance to marry an immodest mean, vile, dissolute, and impure person.
So the irreligious and faithless persons must at least practice the first part of the standard of religiousness; that is, modesty, nobility and sexual purity.
We, at the end of this chapter, shall again talk about it.
SECOND: MORALITY
A BASIC AND POSITIVE SPECIFICATION FOR BOTH PARTIES
Morality does not alone mean to be conventionally booming and smiling and good-natured, since laughing on certain occasion is not only anti-morality, but also immoral.
Instead, morality means good etiquette and lovely habits and virtues from an intellectual and religious point of view.
STATUS OF MORALITY IN SPOUSE SELECTION
The Prophet (PBUH&HP) said about the virtues and qualities of a suitable and decent spouse:
“When someone with whose morality and religion you are pleased comes to you (for marriage), conclude the marriage. If you do not do it, then a great commotion and disturbance and corruption would take place on earth.”
Please observe that the prophet of Islam (PBUH&HP) described ‘morality’ and ‘religion’ as two real standards and criteria of marriage and spouse selection.
These two are the foundation of prosperous life and the importance of other standards follows them.
A Muslim, named Hussain Bin Bashar Baseti, wrote a letter with the following content about a person who had asked the hand of his daughter in marriage, to Imam Reza (PBUH&HP) and enquired as to what his duty was in the matter:
“… A person from among my relatives, who is ill natured, has asked the hand of my daughter in marriage. What must I do now?
Shall I marry my daughter to him or not? What do you say about it?”
Imam wrote in response to his letter: “If he is ill natured (bad tempered), do not marry your daughter to him.”
You see that Imam (PBUH&HP) responds distinctly, vividly, and negatively due to this one vice.
To live alongside an ill-natured and bad tempered person is similar to a lifelong vigorous imprisonment. The bad temper of one of the two spouses affects the other and the children as well.
SPECIMENS OF DECENT AND INDECENT BEHAVIOR
Now we discuss the meaning of ‘decent attitude’ an morality in detail and describe two example of these so that the meaning of morality when it comes to spouse selection is illustrated and explained explicitly.
1- USING DECENT AND INDECENT LANGUAGE
Using foul and dirty language, insolence, and talking disrespectfully, carelessly, and abusively are specimens and indication of bad temperament and immorality, whereas sweet language, soft conduct and talking respectfully are the symbols of morality and good character.
As a matter of fact, ‘the tongue’ is the representative and translator of one’s internal conditions.’ “The same matter trickles out of a pot which is inside it.”
It is not possible that the interior of a man be sound, healthy, and pure but his tongue be dirty, foul, abusive and pungent.
The tongue is the window, which exhibits the contents of the interior. Man’s tongue is the mirror of his heart.
2- MAGNANIMITY AND JEALOUSY
Jealousy is the important indicator of fill nature, and magnanimity and generosity are the salient specimens of good character and morality.
3- SWEET-NATUREDNESS AND ILL-NATUREDNESS
Leading a life with an ill-natured and bad tempered person is very difficult and life with a sweet natured and well-behaved person gives pleasure, enjoyment and hope.
A good nature is one of the sign of faith and ill-naturedness and impoliteness is the manifestation of a weakness in faith.
Of course, as has been described in the beginning of this discussion, good-naturedness or smiling is not always and everywhere a sign of good conduct.
For instance, the mirthfulness of women and men in the presence of an unfamiliar person (stranger) is against morality and is highly disagreeable.
And similarly, laughing and making others laugh through backbiting, slandering, mockery, and describing others’ errors is illegal, prohibited and against moral values and Islamic ethics.
4- ACCEPTING THE TRUTH AND STUBBORNNESS
Stubbornness and obstinacy inflicts heavy damages upon family life.
5- WISE HUMILITY AND STUPID PRIDE AND ARROGANCE
6- TRUTHFULNESS AND LYING
7- GRACE AND DELIBERATENESS AND UNGRACIOUSNESS AND DEBAUCHERY
8- FORBEARANCE AND IMPATIENCE AND IN CAPACIOUSNESS
9- FAVORABLE OPINION AND MISTRUST
10- BEING WARM AND AFFECTIONATE AND BEING APATHETIC
11- FORGIVENESS AND HOSTILITY
12- RESPECT AND DISRESPECT
13- BOLDNESS AND FEAR
14- POLITENESS AND ROUGH ATTITUDE
15- FAITHFULNESS AND DISLOYALTY
16- GENEROSITY AND PARSIMONY
17- CONTENTMENT AND GREED
ANSWER TO A QUESTION
Question: What is the way to discover these virtues? In other words, what course must we adopt in selecting a spouse so that we choose a person with the required virtues?
Answer. Refer this discussion to the sixth chapter where you will find the answer to this question.
NOTES:
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- Wasail al-Shia, vol. 14,p 30.
- Wasail al-Shia, vol. 14, p 31.
