When Must We Marry? (4)

When Must We Marry? (4)

DISCUSSION WITH A FRIEND IN THIS CONNECTION

During the compilation of this book I had a discussion with a good, knowledgeable and informed friend, which I hereby present to you. The friend said: "Do you not think the age you have described fit for marriage is an early one?" I said: "Why early? Do the sexual instinct and natural demand for a spouse and the mental maturity not reach the required standard of completion at this age? Does a healthy person, provided he does not care for the artificial difficulties and obstacles on the way to marriage, not require a spouse?"

He said? "Why not, he does require it, but the sexual instinct and urge for a spouse alone should not be taken into view. Instead, we must also view the other problems which are present on the scene." I replied: "We have considered those problems and difficulties in chapter four." He said: "But one thing which in my view had not been taken into consideration in chapter 4 and which pertains to chapter 2 is that the youth the age group you have discussed, do not have the readiness, preparedness and vigor or energy to manage life. How could you expect a 19-year-old boy and a 16 year old girl to run a family? Normally, they need the management and guardianship of their parents."

I replied: "Allah who has created man is all-wise and has placed everything in the right position. The same Allah who has placed sexual instinct and demand for a spouse in man's nature and ordained him to marry and has so very much stressed on the haste and promptness in marriage has definitely placed the energy and capability of running his life in him also. If there is a flaw or shortcoming, it is in our training. It is our wrong and inaccurate training which blocks and hinders the way of development and advancement of that maturity and the outflow of that energy and ability.

The potential energy of running and organizing a life is president in us, and its activation too is at the time of puberty. But at times, we do not provide the ground for its progress, and instead, hinder the blooming and development of it by wrong and inappropriate training. "When parents do not allow their children to have their works done independently by themselves and do not permit them any sort of responsibility during the shape taking period of their personalities, or belittle and humiliate them and reprimand them with titles such as inefficient and incapable, it is quite clear that these young people cannot manage themselves in their youth; and cannot even do so in their middle and old ages!"

He said: "Anyway, what can be done now? Now that we observe that the young do not have the energy and readiness to manage their lives, is it correct that they marry and fail in managing their lives?" I said: "The call of the sexual and spouse -demanding instinct must not remain unanswered. The problem can be solved by certain measures:

1- Teachers, scholars and thinkers of society should inform people about the training problems and teach them the exact way to train their children.

2- Parents must gradually acquaint their children with the responsibilities of life during their childhood and younger years. I have seen many young people, particularly girls, who can fulfill their duties towards life management in a nice way. Of course, I am against exerting pressure upon children and the youth, but at the same time, I oppose blandishing them. The middle way must be observed.

3- It is unnecessary for us to wait until a young person is completely ready to manage a life before we propose a marriage for him. Instead, when a youth feels that life's burden has started exerting upon him, he has no choice but to shade himself up, gather up his personality with all its sleeping and potential energies and get prepared to take off on the flight of life. Many young people have been observed who did not have the readiness of a common life, but no sooner had they stepped into the realm of life management, than they became ready, capable, and organized man and women, who could manage a successful life.

4- The period of engagement is a good opportunity for this purpose. If this period is prolonged for a few months, the youth can prepare themselves. (We have discussed this in the last part of this book).

5- The parents and elders of the boy and girl must help both of them, and must remain in touch with them in the beginning of their married lives so that they learn the ways, methods and means of life until such time as they can get going on their own and settle down in their lives. However, marriage should take place no sooner than the sexual and mental puberty is achieved and the rest of the matters should be settled gradually. The subsidiary matters are subject to the principles.

The principle lies in marriage, protecting one's modesty and promotion and progress of man's personality. The rest of the maters are all subsidiary ones and the principle must not be sacrificed for secondary things. But help can be extended so that the secondary thing reaches and is united to the principle..."

IT IS WRONG TO DASH INTO A ROCK

Some nations and countries have played with the sexual instinct of the youth and been confronted with large-scale disorder, turmoil and corruption. After they had their fingers burnt, know that it was unwise to play with the lion's tail. And now they are gradually turning back from the way they had mistakenly followed. But it is sad that we are proceeding upon the same road that they are forsaking at present! Does it not sound wise they you must not go in the same direction that made them dash into rocks from which they are now returning from bleeding? Should we not take a lesson from their broken skulls?

Has Islam not guided us, saying: "Prosperous is the one who takes lesson from the experiences of others." Why are we moving towards a falling spot, with a greed and eager desire, when we can distinctly and vividly see others fall from there? Now let us pay attention to two of their important books. Dr. Khudakuf one of the outstanding psychiatrists and psychologists of the ex -USSR writers: "It should be known that youth marriage recently are to be seen taking place all over the world. For instance, in our country (USSR) 50% of marriage take place among the youth who are no older than 22 years, and there are many husbands who are only 18 or 19 years old. In America, the average age of girls who marry has decreased to 20 years and fourteen million girls aged 17 also got engaged." (1)

Drs. Hannah and Abraham Stone, two researchers, physicians and outstanding consultants for family problems in America, write in their book, which is written in a question-answer form between an engaged couple and their special consultant: - "Dr, should marriage be avoided when the man is not completely able to procure the family's expenditure?" "No, absolutely not.

In my opinion, marriage should not be put off until the economic strength of a man reaches its peak. Youth reach the stage of physiological puberty before such time that they can completely procure their finances and economic sufficiency. Hence, there is no need to look forward for economic sufficiency. But it is better that both the husband and the wife work to secure their family budget. They must not wait till the husband's income is sufficient to meet the family's requirements."(2) I invite researchers, those who are sensitive to the fate of society and the young generation and parents to study the book "Marriage, the school of human making".

Written by: Martyr Dr. Paknejad, Marriage in Islam, vol.2.

NOTES:

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1. "The bond of life" by Khudakuf, translated by Habibian, P.13, seventh edition

2. Answers to sexual and marital problems, tanslated by Dr. Tarazullah Akhawan, P.14, 19th Edition.