Criteria of Spouse Selection (6)

Criteria of Spouse Selection (6)

SALIENT POINTS OF INCOORDINATION OF ISMAIL AND SAFOORA

1- A cultural and ideological distance (difference of opinion about ideological, social, and educational problems).

2- A spiritual and psychological differences.

3-A difference of style and taste in various matters.

4- Sexual and physical dissimilarity (one of the two was sexually strong, having a hot and active temperament, while the other one was weak, and could not satisfy and saturate the other. One of the real and important causes of their conflict was this problem. The one who was not satiated and saturated was shy and too modest to express this matter clearly, and relieved the pressure at another place and in fact, avenged it elsewhere.

5- A moral difference

6- A beauty problem. One of the two was unhappy with the other's looks, figure and beauty, although the other side was satisfied. This factor too had quite and effect and role in their differences and conflicts.

7- A difference with respect to the families of each other. (None like the family and relatives of the other and had difficulties having relations with them).

REFUTING A DOUBT

We, in any case, do not want to establish that a villager is not an equal and good match for a city inhabitant. And we do not mean to imply that a city dweller is superior or vice versa. There are many citizens and villagers who marries and lead good lives. And many times two city dwellers or two villagers do not have any mutual harmony and co-ordination. Rather, what we mean to say is that spiritual, ideological, and physical harmony is important and essential between two life partners. Moreover, what must be viewed in selecting spouses is equality (balance of the personalities of the couple). Piety and divine values are the standards and criteria of superiority, nobility,and graciousness. "Surely, the most honourable of you with Allah is your most pious one".(1)

CONDITIONS OF COMPATABILITY

Now with the explanations given, the ground for the description f the case of equity and harmony between girl and boys have become ready; so will divide the topic of equity and explain a few of its details.

1-RELIGIOUS COMPATABILITY

A religious woman who is committed to the laws, principles, and derivatives of Islam must marry a man like herself. Of course, a hundred percent proportionality is not possible, but the closer they are and the less of a distance, the better. A man questioned the prophet of Islam (a.s): "Whom must we marry?" He replied: "Those suitable (good matches)." He asked, "Who are suitable matches?" The Prophet (a.s) responded: "Some of the believers are the matches of each other."

We see that the Prophet (a.s) described faith as the standards and real foundation of being a match. Imam Sadiq (a.s) said about Fatima Zahra (a.s): "Had Allah not created Ali (a.s), there would have been no match and equivalent on the earth for Fatima (a.s), from the age of Adam (a.s) to the end".

If a faithful person marries a faithless one and cannot convert the latter to become religious, either he has to become homogenous with the spouse and become faithless and be in a permanent state of confrontation and conflict; both situations being a great loss. The children too, who are the outcome and production of such a turbulent and disturbed life, do not reach prosperity and blessing.

QUESTION AND ANSWER

Q: Can it not be that a faithful and religious person marries and irreligious spouse and guides her? Has such a case not yet taken shape?

(a) If someone finds such energy in himself and is sure that he or she can make it, then there is no harm to materialize such a marriage. Even though this is a desired and required practice and has a great reward, not everyone possesses all that vigour and energy. Attaining this confidence is also not and easy thing. If such a case (exceptionally) takes shape, it is not a justification for others to follow it. And this exception cannot be generalized to cover all people.

(b) It is quite possible that the situation reverses and the irreligious one makes the other take up his or her color. Some of the reasons described by Islam for not marrying an irreligious one are as follows: "Because the woman is influenced by her husband's conduct, and he forces her to accept his belief."

The man, too , accepts th effects of his wife's belief and morality and his wife may make him perform irreligious activities. How long can a man resist and combat the unfair and unlawful wants and desires of his wife? One cannot fight that all his life and vigorously combat against it. We know of plenty of cases where the irreligious and careless wife made her religious spouse miserable.

(c) Of course, there exist some exceptions as well where a religious and faithful spouse has guided his or her irreligious life partner. So far so good. But exceptions cannot overwhelm the majority, and rules and regulations cannot be founded upon them.

2- CULTURAL AND MENTAL COMPATIBILITY

Cultural and mental understanding and homogeneity has a basic role in the joint life of a couple. The architects of this center should be ale to understand each other and their mysteries and intents, for the sake of bringing into effect a dynamic, fruitful and felicitous life. Moreover, they should take joint and harmonious decisions in most problems and practice upon their bases, be mutual helpers in the ups and downs of life, and train their children on the basis of a harmoniously designed program.

Imam Jafar Sadiq (a.s) said: "An intelligent and wise someone must not be placed except beside a sage and wise man." We have observed the harms and damage caused by the mental and cultural lack of co-ordination between the spouses. Of course, a 100% understanding and concurrence is still not possible, yet one must endeavour to get as near to it as possible and diminish the distance.

3- MORAL COMPATABILITY

Moral homogeneity and harmony is of the most important cases of equity between a husband and wife. It is possible that the wife an husband are equal and compatible from a religious aspect, but not from moral aspect.

ATTEND TO THIS SPECIMEN

Zaid Bin Haresa, the adopted son brought up by the Prophet (a.s), married Zainab, the cousin of the Prophet (a.s) The husband and wife held a lofty place from a religious point of view. but the did not have and understanding from a moral aspect and so conventionally speaking, their moralities were not harmonious. They had severe difference and disputes. The Prophet (a.s) admonished them and suggested to them many times to build up mutual understanding and compatibility. But this young couple did not have the endurance and energy to put up with each other. Finally, Allah mediated and separated them through divorce.

There is no doubt that these two, husband and wife were decent and nice people. as far as the decency of Zaid is concerned, it is sufficient that the Prophet (a.s) adopted him and had a great love for him and sometimes called him by the name of 'dear and beloved Zaid.' With regard to the decency of Zainab, it is sufficient to say that Allah Himself had her married to His prophet (after being divorced by Zaid).

"And when you said to the one to whom Allah had shown favour and to whom you had shown a favour keep your wife to yourself and be careful to (your duty to) Allah... But when Zaid had given up her, we gave her to you as a wife."(3)

We observed the moral disagreement of Ismail and Safoora too. As a result, we must not think that the religiousness of the husband and wife is sufficient for establishing a successful (marital) life; other aspects must also be taken into consideration.

4- EDUCATIONAL COMPATIBILITY

It is better that a husband and wife should not have much distance and difference from and educational and informational point of view, so that they have more understanding in their lives. Of course, this quality must be considered along with other qualities and peculiarities. That is, if, for instance the woman is proud and shallow, her educational qualification should not be higher than that of her husband, since this would certainly bring about ample difficulties in their lives. But if she is humble, there is less chance and probability of this difficulty. As to the husband , this problem exists in the same shape with a little difference.

Continue in the next article: ( Criteria of Spouse Selection (7) )

NOTES:

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1. (The Quran 49:13)

2. (Furoo-e Kafi, p5.)

3. (Sural of Ahzab, verse 37.)