Criteria of Spouse Selection (3)

Criteria of Spouse Selection (3)

4- ACCEPTING THE TRUTH AND STUBBORNNESS

Stubbornness and obstinacy inflicts heavy damages upon family life.

5- WISE HUMILITY AND STUPID PRIDE AND ARROGANCE

6- TRUTHFULNESS AND LYING

7- GRACE AND DELIBERATENESS AND UNGRACIOUSNESS AND DEBAUCHERY

8- FORBEARANCE AND IMPATIENCE AND IN CAPACIOUSNESS

9- FAVORABLE OPINION AND MISTRUST

10- BEING WARM AND AFFECTIONATE AND BEING APATHETIC

11- FORGIVENESS AND HOSTILITY

12- RESPECT AND DISRESPECT

13- BOLDNESS AND FEAR

14- POLITENESS AND ROUGH ATTITUDE

15- FAITHFULNESS AND DISLOYALTY

16- GENEROSITY AND PARSIMONY

17- CONTENTMENT AND GREED

ANSWER TO A QUESTION

Question: What is the way to discover these virtues? In other words, what course must we adopt in selecting a spouse so that we choose a person with the required virtues?

Answer. Refer this discussion to the sixth chapter where you will find the answer to this question.

THIRD: NOBILITY OF THE FAMILY

(A FUNDAMENTAL AND UNAVOIDABLE CONDITION FOR BOTH SIDES)

Family nobility does not mean fame, wealth, and social status. Rather it means modesty, purity and religiousness. Marriage with someone is equal to a bond with a family, tribe, and a race.

It is not logical that in connection with marriage one says:"I desire to marry this person and have notion do with his or her family, relation, and tribe", since:

1- This person is part of the same family and tribe and is the branch of the same tree. This branch has received its nutrition and growth from the roots of the same tree. It is certain that most the moral, spiritual, intellectual and physical qualities and specifications of that family have been transferred through heritage, training, environment, habits, etc to this person.

The prophet of Islam (a.s) said in this regard:

"Marry from a decent family, for genealogy affect very much."

At another place he (a.s) said: "investigate very carefully and minutely as to where you will place your place your child, for genealogy affects very much."

2- Even if you do not have anything to do with them, they would have something to do with you!

Never can you detach your spouse from them. Neither can you yourself cut off your link with them. You must be associated and linked to them for a whole lifetime. If the spouse's family are a wicked and corrupt people, they will agonize the person. And one cannot totally refrain and put and absolute constraint upon their interference in one's life, and on the bonds with them.

3- Their good or bad name and reputation remains attached to a person for the whole of his life and does have effects upon it. It will be much too difficult for you to endure and withstand their bad name.

4- Their qualities and peculiarities have effect upon the future of the children.

The Prophet (a.s) said in this connection:

"Choose a proper and suitable place for your semen, because children become similar to their maternal uncles."(1)

Brother and sister! You must never be subjected to sentiments and emotions and take decision in that condition regarding important matters.

If 'spouse selection' is excluded from the influence and hold of intellect and reason and is placed into the realm of sentiments and superficial views, it would be followed by misery and misfortune.

Now you are positioned and stationed on the threshold and doorway of a great change. Minutely think and contemplate what you are doing. Now you with to connect your future with a family. The result of this linkage should be progress, completion and prosperity, not downfall, retrogression, and misery. See the glorious prophet of Islam (a.s) with the eyes of your heart, addressing you, and hear his alarming and warning message with the ears of your soul, as he said: "The prophet of Islam (a.s) stood to deliver a speech and said, "Oh people, beware of the greenery (growing) upon a dung hill. He was asked "Oh prophet of Allah (a.s), what is the greenery on the dung hill?"

he replied, "A beautiful woman raised and brought up in a bad nursery (family)."(2)

We have seen many youth who have been deceived by the apparent and outward show and have thrown themselves into sewers and marshes from where the exit has become impossible.

QUESTION AND ANSWER

Question: We have observed that sometimes decent, nice children come of bad families and indecent and wicked children come from good families. Why?

Answer: Yes it is as you say, but this happens only sometimes and is an exceptional event. Sometimes a flower blooms in a bad place and a thorn does in a good place. However, laws cannot be based upon exceptions. What we describe is on the basis of majority.

Secondly, these exception have common roots with their principle. Without doubt, the effect of these common roots are there in their existence , which may not appear in normal situations and circumstances, but do become apparent in turbulent and abnormal conditions.

Thirdly, if somebody is sure that this branch is different from the main tree, and similarly he may be able to separate and detach this branch from the origin, and does not permit that his or her family have any role to play, interfere in his or her future, and so on, then he or she can marry. But it is not everyone's job.

NETHER QUESTION:

So what should the children of corrupt, impure an immoral families do? Shall they remain unmarried?

ANSWER:

The detailed answer to this question will come at the end of this chapter.

FORTH: REASON

(BASIC CONDITION FOR BOTH PARTIES)

A sound and healthy mind is need for the sake of bringing about a prosperous life. Intellect is like a flashlight, which illuminates the avenue of life and projects and shows the ups and downs of it, so that one can take suitable decisions about them. Intellect is the medium of distinguishing between goodness, wrong and evil. Spouses must be equipped with the power of mind and reason for the sake of administrating and managing a correct life and bringing up and raising decent children.

The commander of the believers Ali (a.s) staunchly and strongly forbade marriage with a foolish and insane person. "Avoid marrying a stupid person, since her company is a woe (calamity or distress) and her children are also wasted."(3)

Imam described two important point in this Hadith; one is that the company of a foolish spouse is distress and woe which makes a wise man miserable, and the other one is that of the waste and loss of her offspring, since genes affect them by way of heritage and simultaneously, their training, conduct, and character to are lost.

NOTICE!

It is possible that a person is educated but not wise an sagacious, or wise but not educated. That is to say, being educated does not necessarily mean being sage and wise, just as intelligence is not the same as being educated. Of course, knowledge and mind mutually affect each other. Many a time, a person may be educated but lacks reason and insight into life. At the same time, another one may be uneducated but have the reason and wits to organize and run one's life. And if these two (reason and education) get together, it is so much better. Similarly, some of the craftiness and and cunningness must not be taken for intellect, and the doer of those be named intelligent ad sagacious.

MEANING OF REASON AS DEFINED BY IMAM SADIQ (A.S)

He was asked, "What is mind?" He said: "It is a ting by which Allah is worshiped and paradise is achieved."

The questions asked: "So what was it that Moawiyah (Allah's curse be upon him) possessed?"

Imam said: "What he had was deception (trickery) and craftiness and that has a resemblance with reason but is not the reason itself."(4)

AN UNPLEASANT SPECIMEN

A girl, who had a weak intellect but apparently was beautiful, was engaged to Ghulam. Right from the time of engagement , Ghulam became aware for the weakness of the girl's mind and wanted to change his mind and give up the idea of marriage with her, but her beauty and charm had dazzled his mind.

Anyway, the marriage took shape. After a certain period of time, the difficulties started, because the pretty girl who had charmed Ghulam with her beauty, which had filled up all the gaps and shortcomings of the girl in his opinion, was unable to withstand the continuance of that condition and could not take the place and responsibilities of a wife. That woman could not play the role of a sympathizer, companion, and helper of her husband, as a wife. Their lives became colder with each day that passed until they had a child.

Usually after a child enters a family, life becomes sweeter and more hopeful. But not only did not occur in their lives, but their difficulties and hardships increased, because the woman did not have the capability and potential of bearing children and could not be a good mother for the child.

Ghulam took his wife to a psychiatrist for a checkup (whereas he should have done it before marriage).

The psychiatrist diagnose that the wits and mind of the girl was low and equivalent to half her own age and that she was not curable. It is clear that such a life cannot continue. In the end, Ghulam divorced his wife and the innocent child became motherless.

Continue in the next article: ( Criteria of Spouse Selection (4) )

NOTES:

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1. Jawahir, vol. 29,p 37.

2. Wasail al-Shia, vol. 14, p 29.

3. Wasail a-Shia, vol. 14, p 56.

4. Usool Kafi, vol. 1, Kitabul Aql Wal Jahl, Hadith 3.