Criteria of Spouse Selection (2)

Criteria of Spouse Selection (2)

QUESTION AND OBSERVATION

At this stage, a question and objection comes forth; that is, if being religious is the real standard of success, then why do we see many religious ones who do not lead good lives and their lives are disturbed and unhappy?

ANSWER

Firstly, religiousness (devoutness) means real religiousness. That is, we take only such a person as religious whose entire practice, speeches, morality, and all the rest of his life's matters are subject to Islam. Such an individual would really be decent and gentle. Islam is the law of Allah for the prosperity of man an if followed and practiced, it does positively bring felicity and blessings. Islam is not merely a set of a few obvious practices that anybody performing them may be a real religious one.

Secondly, it is possible that the fault be at another place, which means they may be really religious, but lacking some qualities and peculiarities being the condition for prosperity of the shared and common life. For instance, they might not have ideological, moral and physical co-ordination, homogeneity and harmony. Because, whilst being religious is the real standard, there are some other criteria, which must be observed when selecting spouse. (These will be described soon).

Thirdly, the difficulty and fault may be present at the other end. That is to say, you may know one of the two spouses as a religious person and not know the other one and be completely unaware about his or her spirits. Perhaps he or she is not really religious and the root of the difficulty lies there. Fourthly, one of both of them may be suffering from a nervous or spiritual disease. These disease cause many difficulties in the joint life. Religious people too, having been affected by certain factors may suffer from ailments and nervous and spiritual complications. Anyway, being religious and pious is the basic condition and quality of a suitable spouse and there must be a thorough enquiry and contemplation about it before marriage takes place.

THE FRUIT OF RELIGIOUSNESS

This quality and virtue has many other fruits. That is to say, religiousness is like a root or origin, which has many branches and fruits.

(a) Piety: A religious person is positively pious; and if he is not, then he is not religious one.

(b) Veil: The veil is from the fruits of the 'tree of religiousness'. The Hijab (veil) is not only specified for women and girl, boys and men too must wear a (spiritual) veil. To sum up, the veil of a woman and a man has some differences which exist due to women's physique, being bodily more attractive, and the physical and sexual differences between the two sexes.

(c) Nobility

(d) Modesty:

"The one who does not have modesty lacks religion." So the one who has modesty, does have religion as well.

WHAT SHOULD THE IRRELIGIOUS YOUTH DO?

All that has been described so far, regarding the standards and the first virtue (religiousness) was mostly related to the pious ones. so what should the irreligious youth do?

ANSWER

Firstly: They must also become pious and practice like the pious ones. Religion and faith are the provision and stock of the world and prosperity in the hereafter. So it is obligatory for every sane man to attain this provision. Any amount of research, study, investigation and consultation taking place on this road is worthwhile. Just as the human intellect and mind deems it fit that man must search and Endeavour for the sake of earning a livelihood in this material life, so does it demand to seek the way of eternal bliss?

Secondly: The irreligious youth must also possess some of the qualities and merits of the religious ones. The man who is not bound to faith and religion, must take into view some of the merits of the pious ones when selecting a spouse. For instance, and irreligious spouse must too possess modesty, nobility, and sexual purity; otherwise their lives would become full of misery, distress and difficulties. This is because even irreligious persons cannot tolerate immodesty, impurity, debauchery and libertinism (unless they may have negated humanity, in which case, they are out of the scope of our discussion).

The more a person is modest, noble, and clear, the more he is religious, although he himself may not be aware of disbelieve. Modesty, nobility, purity and all the virtues and peculiarities, which are considered positive and beautiful are a part of religion. In any case, nothing can be permit and allowance to marry an immodest mean, vile, dissolute, and impure person.

So the irreligious and faithless persons must at least practice the first part of the standard of religiousness; that is, modesty, nobility and sexual purity. We, at the end of this chapter, shall again talk about it.

SECOND: MORALITY

(A BASIC AND POSITIVE SPECIFICATION FOR BOTH PARTIES)

Morality does not alone mean to be conventionally booming and smiling and good-natured, since laughing on certain occasion is not only anti-morality, but also immoral. Instead, morality means good etiquette and lovely habits and virtues from an intellectual and religious point of view.

STATUS OF MORALITY IN SPOUSE SELECTION

The Prophet (PBUH&HP) said about the virtues and qualities of a suitable and decent spouse:

"When someone with whose morality and religion you are pleased comes to you (for marriage),

conclude the marriage. If you do not do it, then a great commotion and disturbance

and corruption would take place on earth."

Please observe that the prophet of Islam (PBUH&HP) described 'morality' and 'religion' as two real standards and criteria of marriage and spouse selection. These two are the foundation of prosperous life and the importance of other standards follows them.

A Muslim, named Hussain Bin Bashar Baseti, wrote a letter with the following content about a person who had asked the hand of his daughter in marriage, to Imam Reza (PBUH&HP) and enquired as to what his duty was in the matter:

"... A person from among my relatives, who is ill natured, has asked the hand of my daughter in marriage. What must I do now? Shall I marry my daughter to him or not? What do you say about it?"

Imam wrote in response to his letter: "If he is ill natured (bad tempered), do not marry your daughter to him."

You see that Imam (PBUH&HP) responds distinctly, vividly, and negatively due to this one vice. To live alongside an ill natured and bad tempered person is similar to a lifelong vigorous imprisonment. The bad temper of one of the two spouses affects the other and the children as well.

SPECIMENS OF DECENT AND INDECENT BEHAVIOR

Now we discuss the meaning of 'decent attitude' an morality in detail and describe two example of these so that the meaning of morality when it comes to spouse selection is illustrated and explained explicitly.

1- USING DECENT AND INDECENT LANGUAGE

Using foul and dirty language, insolence, and talking disrespectfully, carelessly, and abusively are specimens and indication of bad temperament and immorality, whereas sweet language, soft conduct and talking respectfully are the symbols of morality and good character.

As a matter of fact, 'the tongue' is the representative and translator of one's internal conditions.'

"The same matter trickles out of a pot which is inside it."

It is not possible that the interior of a man be sound, healthy, and pure but his tongue be dirty, foul, abusive and pungent. The tongue is the window, which exhibits the contents of the interior. Man's tongue is the mirror of his heart.

2- MAGNANIMITY AND JEALOUSY

Jealousy is the important indicator of fill nature, and magnanimity and generosity are the salient specimens of good character and morality.

3- SWEET-NATUREDNESS AND ILL-NATUREDNESS

Leading a life with an ill natured and bad tempered person is very difficult and life with a sweet natured and well-behaved person gives pleasure, enjoyment and hope. A good nature is one of the sign of faith and ill-naturedness and impoliteness is the manifestation of a weakness in faith.

Of course, as has been described in the beginning of this discussion, good-naturedness or smiling is not always and everywhere a sign of good conduct. For instance, the mirthfulness of women and men in the presence of an unfamiliar person (stranger) is against morality and is highly disagreeable. And similarly, laughing and making others laugh through backbiting, slandering, mockery, and describing others' errors is illegal, prohibited and against moral values and Islamic ethics.

Continue in the next article: ( Criteria of Spouse Selection (3) )